Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

CNN reports: "Vanity on the Rise Among College Students"

This article from CNN is really interesting and full of implications for teens and young adults and   our parenting. "Today's college students are more narcissistic and self centered than their predecessors, according to a comprehensive study by 5 psychologists who worry that the trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society." It is hard to accept these broad negative generalizations for an entire generation, however, I    think it is worth reading this entire article.  The psychologists who conducted this huge study said that  the upsurge is so pronounced that they are not quite sure of the remedies.

Find this article at: http://www.cnn.com/2007/EDUCATION/02/27/self.centered.students.ap/index.html "Generation Me:  Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled- and     More Miserable Than Ever Before" written by Jean Twenge said"narcissists tend to lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self promotion over helping others."  This makes me think of MySpace and all the self promotion going on there... Anyway, it has me thinking...  You might want  to check out the article. Just trying to keep us parents up to date and on our toes... Ciao, Anne

Apology to your kid- As a Bigger Perspective

The Eye in the Sky...

NASA via AP

Can you believe this photo?  Talk about getting the bigger perspective on life?  This is an actual infrared image from NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope showing the Helix nebula, a cosmic starlit about 700 light years away.

I just apologized to my oldest child... he is 20 years old.  We had a heated discussion yesterday or in other words- a big argument.  I jumped in with both feet and made it personal.  There I was right in the middle of the emotion and drama and doing everything that I try and share with others not to do... 

Well, that is why I do not call myself an expert... because I am learning right next to all you other parents of teens and young adults... 

Yesterday was an AFGO- Another Freakin' Growth Opportunity!

Anyway, after an evening where I could rest, focus and GET THE BIGGER PICTURE, I decided to apologize.  My apology was honest, heart felt, and it took courage.  It only touched upon  my part in the problem and I asked for nothing from him. 

It is amazing how an honest apology gets behind people's defenses where they can actually listen.  I think he listened.  I had to leave my ego outside the door.

I think apologizing is a lesson in humility, respect and courage.  I hope it makes me more approachable and human to my kids.  We actually have a different feeling between us since then...  almost like the air has been cleared- or the playing field has been leveled. 

So, here's to the Big Eye in the Sky keeping an eye on us parents...  We need it.

Anne

A Joke For Parents of Teens

WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR FOR THE MOMENT

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

This joke was sent to me by KC Christensen -Lang in her news letter "Virtual Moment of Joy"...

Sometimes life is not about what is happening as much as how it is being perceived...  A good perspective to play with...  and maybe a laugh is the best gift you will get today...  Pay it forward with a smile,

Ciao,

Anne

Holding On To Our Teens

"Research suggests that American parents are letting go of their children too soon and are making themselves less available to their children as they grow older." Laura Stanton writes in her article for the Ohio State University Extension- Family Life Packet. 

Teens need their parents to play an active though very different role than they did when their child was younger.  This stage requires guidance, direction, monitoring and at times protection.  Adolescent brains are still developing and they need you involved though not in a controlling way.  The "holding on and letting go" phenomenon will look and feel differently for each family and for each child.  "We still have a significant role in developing assets in our children and we need to continue our work into adolescence."

One of her recommendations is to:

"Set aside One-on -One Time With Your Teen" and to schedule weekly dates.  Let your teen influence what you actually do together.  It may not seem like fun to you but it is not about just you.  One of my children went to a high school and they called this "mandatory fun".  It was actually a requirement of the family to do this.  It is a great way to give your undivided attention and relax away from the home, work, computer, and all the other distractions that keep us from looking in each others eyes on a daily basis.  It also says, "You are important."  There have been times that I have said to one of my children, "Let's just get in the car and see where it goes... just for an hour".  Sometimes we would just head out for an ice cream.  It does not have to be a big deal every time... the big deal is just making it happen.

Spontaneity can work but I have found that the best thing is to put yourself and your older child on the calendar...  It is much more likely to happen that way.

I don't know about you but time is flying for us...

Challenge for parents of teens :

Will you go on a "date" with your teen, or at least schedule one, before the next time I post on this blog?

Make my day,

Anne

The Developing Brain of An Adolescent

Hi,

I asked my 15 year old daughter to read this and she said... THAT IS TOO LONG- NO ONE WILL READ THAT!   I can't cut this down any more without cutting out the points!... please read it...

I went to this great lecture with 2 experts on adolescence...  They shared newly discovered information on the developing brain of teens and how as parents we can impact our relationship knowing what teens and their vulnerable brains are going through.  It was a great marriage of neuroscience and psychology and it answered for us parents,

"Oh my God, now that I know that what do I do?"

Do you know the most amazing part of the whole experience was?... how few parents were in attendance in the audience!  I hope no one gets guilty with that revelation but it was true.  I kept asking myself, where is everyone else? 

That's why I started this blog... to get short snippets of information into the developing brains of parents so we can make different choices and stay centered in the reality of this amazing and sometimes brain numbing time in our families lives.  My challenge is to keep it short enough to keep your attention and long enough to include what was said accurately and in a useful form.  So you have to know I am leaving out chunks of great information in an attempt to get small pieces to you now... 

Drive Through Wisdom will follow as I summarize what I think you might find informative and practical... 

The presentation was Understanding the Development of the Adolescent Brain and it was presented by, Marisa Silveri, PhD a brain researcher from McLean Hospital and Barbara Green PhD a psychologist with many years experience with teens and families.

• Teen brains are experiencing exponential growth and restructuring and it is in the area of the brain involved in planning, impulse control, decision making and language.
• Adolescent brains are very vulnerable to chemicals
• Alcohol and drug use during these years changes and decreases the teen brain effectiveness, as seen and shown through brain images
• The earlier a teen starts to use, the higher the probability of addiction
• It is not known if the brain changes seen as a result of drug and alcohol use during these years is able to be made up for later... Which means that teens may actually have brain impairment as adults as a result of drug and alcohol use in their teens. 

As parents of teens, we can positively impact our relationship with our teens and hopefully influence their choices around drugs and alcohol by:

• Eat meals together-  there is research that confirms this!  It is not an urban legend... 
• Learn as much as you can about their decisions and help guide them through your healthy choices- You are their role model and they are watching you...
• Be patient... this teen stage goes on for many years
• Accentuate the positive-  they will listen to you if you can frame it more positively
• Respect is a 2 way street- respect and like them as a person
• Enjoy your teens-  they are zany and creative and fun.  Find ways to have fun together 
• Assist your teen in participating in activities for healthy forms of risk taking.

The most important thing of all... Where do you stand?  Do you hear yourself saying?:

"Well, I did it and I lived."

"Drugs and alcohol are a rite of passage."

"Kids will be kids- there is really no harm as long as they are in a safe place while they are doing it."

Well, after this lecture... there is no safe place.  Are those attitudes above a self fulfilling prophecy?

What if you drew a line in the sand that you did not tolerate use of drugs and alcohol during these years?  Would that change your interaction and expectations and conversations and ultimately their choices?

Alcohol kills more young people than any other drug combined?

I feel like I am lecturing here and I do not want to.  This info is compelling...   

www.alcohol-info.com  is a good resource for any of your questions,

My best to you,

Anne

This is dedicated to All Parents Whose Teens Are Struggling...

Hello Folks,

I sit and connect with parents whose teens are in various struggles-  teens struggling with substance abuse, teens who are suicidal, teens who are adopted and dealing with their identity issues, teens struggling with depression and other psychiatric challenges, teens who have been arrested, teens not making healthy decisions and they are really off track... 

These are families who need support as they feel very isolated and alone.  They are often judged by family and other parents who have not walked in their shoes. 

I wrote this poem and I am dedicating it to all the parents of teens and older children who are in really tough situations that may require some tough love and they are trying their best to figure it out...                                         

                                       Flat Out Parenting by Anne Barry Jolles

                               What if being Mom just don't feel like Mom?

                                       Like my left foot is in my right shoe?

                                       When doing what I know is right for you

                                       Making heart decisions has made me grow up too.

                                        But where are the aprons and apple pie in the oven?

                                        That's the world's definition of "Mom at Best"?

                                        Right now the only kindred spirit I can find

                                        Is mother bird pushing her chick out of the nest.

                                        I can hear her shouting, "Fly, Fly!  I know you can!"

                                        I can feel her driving need for flight.

                                        I wonder if she ever has a moment of doubt...

                                        Like her left wing is now on her right?

                                        And in my heart I feel the best and strongest of you.

You can soar heavenly...

But my agony is for you to get there

I must reach for the best and strongest in me.

That won't come from a group consensus

Or a neighborly chat at the back fence.

It comes from an inner journey

And finding the strength is immense.

So, it doesn't feel like I'll get a typical Mother Award

  Waiting for me at the end of the day.

  I'm going to have to crown myself knowing

  I let my mind and heart find our way.

  Why does my crown feel like a Viking Hat?

                                         Hey, What's up with that?

                                         I tried that crown on top of my head.                          

                                       It just doesn't fit my part.

                                       I'm destined for a smaller quieter model.

                                       That sits just for me on my heart.

This poem is from my book, "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen".  If you would like to hear some more of this {complimentary audio downloads}, read more about it or if you would like to purchase it then go to:

www.annejolles.com and go to the books section

Sending my best to you on your parenting journey,

You are not alone,

Ciao,

Anne

Ps. Find a reason to laugh today...

Think... in the box!

Hello,

Recent quotes from parents of teens:

• "The only ballroom dancing I do is with my vacuum."
• "It is so hard to do anything with my sons sports schedule."
• "Where do you get all your energy?  All I do is carpool and work."
• "I can't think with all that is going on in my home and that is on a good day!"

And they say, "Think and play and create... OUT OF THE BOX!"

And, for me, at this moment and stage as a parent...  I am in the box!

I got a box... I am a parent and all that is good but I got a box and I am in it. 

My goal is to find and create the limitlessness within my box.

Some days, metaphorically, I might have to use a ladder over the side of the box.  Other days I might have to cut a hole in the side and others it might be about changing the interior of the box...

I believe there are limitless possibilities within my box.  My box is not a bad place... on most days.

Here is the parent of teen in the box challenge:

How do I stand in this time rush, the family responsibility crush, the work load push

AND be in the present with all of it

AND create my future?

This Blog comes to you from inside the box...

Anne

Who would have ever thought I'd be bloggin' about all of this to you?

The Deep Doo-Doo Club

Parents of Teens generally fall into 3 groups:

Which one do you think you are in?

• Group #1:  "My teen is basically on track, I think and hope." 

These parents look great and are keeping their fingers crossed under the table...

They get to talk about SAT scores, colleges, recitals, trips abroad, vocational training, hockey scores, sports schedules, etc. at the neighborhood cookouts...

• Group #2:  "What the heck is going on here?" 

First signs have been received by these parents regarding their child taking risks, rebelling or are participating in things that do not honor their family values and beliefs, may potentially be harmful or unhealthy.  Heads Up Moment... the rules have changed... their bubble is burst...

These parents are generally more quiet at the cook outs...

• Group #3:  "How the heck did we get into this?  How do we fix this?  How do we get out of here?  What should I do?  Oh my GAWD!"

It is undeniably true that their older child has stepped into some deep doo-doo...  These parents hope no one knows about this mess or problem but unfortunately it is usually apparent to many people.

These parents generally don't go to the cookouts...

They are now officially members of "The Deep Doo-Doo Club"

Things for all parents of teens to keep in mind:

1.  "There but for the grace of God goes I."  That means you too could suddenly be in the club so resist the gossip and judgment.  No one is immune.  Challenges for our teens today come in many shapes and sizes.  Some of the best and most loving parents receive memberships...

2.  The Deep Doo-Doo Club does not have a Life Time Membership-  People can grow up {though that sometimes seems optional}, learn from the consequences, make healthier choices and move along to brighter days... 

3.  Know that if you find yourself an honorable though not happy member of The Deep Doo-Doo Club that you are really not in a club with a membership of one... there are plenty of others in there.  They are just a quiet bunch...

4.  You can be in more than one of the above groups at a time depending on how many teens you are blessed with...

5.  Members of The Deep Doo-Doo Club must not let the club become their only focus...  Remember to look at all that stuff in your family that is going right, too. 

For Parents of Teens... coming soon:

The Ten Rules for "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen"  from the book and CD of the same name by me...

This blogs for you...

Anne

Permission Slip for the Parents

Whether your teen has gotten themselves into some deep doo-doo or whether they seem to be on a semi- regular teen path... whatever that is...

We all have to let go of them sometime!

Do you struggle with letting go and allowing your teen to struggle and learn from it and possibly make some mistakes?  Well, join the club.

Parenting teens today takes courage, persistence and hope.

I didn't mention love, but that is what got you here, so welcome.

******************************************************************************************************************

This is an invitation to use some of the Language of Letting Go...

You as the  courageous Parent of a Teen are here by given permission to:

1.  Accept "I am sorry" only when it is followed by a change in behavior or attitude.  Don't let it be an excuse with no intention with it...

2.   "I have changed my mind about..."  You are the queen or king of the castle.  You make the rules and you can change them. 

3.  Say "NO"...  when you know you need it...  It is hard to be the parent and not the best friend.

4.  Only accept, "I'll try..."  when the intention of what they are going to try and do better at is specifically clear and stated.

5.  "I respect your decision to..."  Respecting their right to make a decision at any age is different from supporting it .

6.  "Luxuries are privileges, not rights".  They must be earned.

                                             AND

"Increased freedom... Increased responsibility..."  Freedom must be earned.

7.   "When you have a bad day... you can do better tomorrow."  That goes for you and your teen also.

8.  "What is good about you is stronger that what you feel is not so good about you"   A perspective that emphasizes the strengths for both you and your teen.

9.  "Have you made a decision about...?"  This is different from advice.  We are trying to help our teens find their voice...

10.  "I need some time to think about that.  If you need an answer now, then the answer is no."

*******************************************************************************************************************

Well, now I would love to hear some short and sweet phrases from you that capture the Language of Loving and Letting Go...

Thank you!

Anne