Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

Making The Leap From Middle School To High School... Advice to Parents of Teens

TRANSITIONS EVERYWHERE!  Cars packed with STUFF going back to college {I feel sort of jealous and wish I was going}, clothes and school supply shopping  {I always want to buy a new box of crayons for me...}, yellow leaves on the trees {rakes out soon enough} and shorter light to our days {Not wild about that}...  I am excited all of this and dread it all at the same time...  {paradoxes again}...

This time of year is all about dramatic changes...  and many of us feel it as anxiety about the changes in our kids lives that so effect our lives. My friend, Mr. Edward Lee, has just made one of those big leaps from principal of a middle school to his new position as principal at Whitman Hanson High School.

Welcome Ed and congratulations! 

Mr. Lee has some words of wisdom for all you parents who have teens going from the middle school and making that quantum leap to the high school...

"As a teenager I recall vividly how my Mom would repeatedly quote a phrase in her native Chinese, which when translated means,

“Don’t smell the smoke just when your pants catch on fire.” 

This expression now resonates loudly and clearly as I continue to learn to navigate the course and direction of my own educational success, while making the leap from middle to high school.   

High school is a challenge for any student, and in particular, entering freshmen.   In two short months students have gone from being a big fish in a little pond to becoming a little fish in a big pond.  As such, they need additional assistance in navigating the water. 

At the middle school level we hold all students accountable to the disciplinary standards for fifth graders, even as they progress through to the eighth grade.  In high school it is the reverse: freshman enter with the rules and regulations developed for upperclassmen, which is why they have such a difficult time adjusting to the freedoms and expectations of high school. 

As a parent, here are some of the things to consider: 

• Listen to and validate your child’s feelings and opinions by asking him/her open-ended questions.  Be tenacious in your questioning and don’t accept simple, one-word answers.  If the response is negative, remember that there are two sides to every story and somewhere therein lays the truth. 
• Encourage participation in school activities.  This leads to becoming part of the larger school community.  Being part of a school community lends ownership, making it more likely that decisions made down the road will be positive ones. 
• Encourage him/her to make meaningful, lasting connections with people.  If opportunities don’t exist, work hard to have them established in the school to meet your teenager’s interest.
• Help kids to prepare daily for the rigors of their program. 
• Freedom and independence are privileges earned through responsibility and increased maturity, not simply granted due to some age specific right.  It is appropriate to have high expectations for independence.
• Good decision making should be rewarded, whereas poor decision making should receive progressive consequences.  Every decision should be seen as a learning opportunity.  Receiving consequences can be a difficult reality.  Parents who minimize appropriate consequences or fail to issue consequences to their teenagers for poor decision making not only risk losing the learning opportunity, but encourage the continuation of negative decision making or risky behavior that leads to trouble.  It can become a vicious cycle."

Somehow...we parents have to be the rudder to help steer through this time- the delicate balance of holding on and letting go...  We have to keep the big picture in mind for those who just seem to see those minute details...  That takes energy...

Take good care of yourself so you have the energy you need to do this tough and awesome job of parenting your teens...

And Thank You Ed for the calm voice of reason...

Ciao,

Anne

GUILT... Occupational Hazard or Helpful Hint?

Welcome Back my friend Loren Buckner.  She is a parent, psychotherapist and author of her soon to be released parenting book.  Loren is joining us again today with the following note about parenting teens and GUILT...  You can reach my friend Loren at lorenb@tampabay.rr.com with any questions or feedback

"Kids ask for things dozens of times a day -- Can I have the car? Can I go to the party? Will you type my homework for me? Will you take me to the mall? Buy me an ipod? Or pay me to clean my room? Knowing what to say is difficult enough. But when kids don’t get what they want they really know how to crank up the pressure. Decision making under these circumstances is a delicate balancing act that often depends on your mood and how tired you are. 

Uncertainty and guilt are occupational hazards for parents. For one thing, parents know they are supposed to be consistent but consistency isn’t as easy as it sounds. Then, in addition to the everyday stress that family life creates, there are any number of unforeseen problems that cause parents to question themselves.

Doing what’s best for your kids, focusing on your job, as you also take care of your other relationships and yourself stir up guilty feelings about not being up to the awesome task of raising children. And, if guilt was used on you when you were a child, then it’s easy to fall back into talking to yourself in this same self-defeating style.

Guilt can be helpful though. When it reminds you that you said or did something that you don’t feel very good about and don’t want to do again, then guilt has a purpose. But relentlessly beating yourself up in the hope that it will make you a better parent is terribly unproductive and self-destructive. 

So, here are a few tips:

• Distinguish between the big mistakes and the little ones.
• When you make a mistake, own up, talk over whatever happened, and work toward understanding how and why things went wrong.
• Try treating any remaining guilt and self-hatred with repeated doses of forgiveness and compassion.  They are good antidotes."

Thanks, Loren!   Sometimes I feel guilt can actually age me! Great reminders that us parents are in this together and we are the best resources for each other!

Ciao,

Anne   

"This is the best time of your life." Yah, right...

Welcome my friend and mentor, Chrisann Merrick.  She is an Adjustment Counselor in a middle school for more than a decade.  Does that make you feel old, Chrisann?  Well, let me tell you about her... she is still a teen at heart.  You would have to be to do her job!  Here is some wisdom she shares for parents of teens...

"A teen sat in my office with his head down and he was feeling angry, confused, sad, lonely and defeated.  His mother was there listening and after he spoke about what he was experiencing she said, "This is the best time of your life."

And I thought, "Yah, right..."

With all due respect to many parents...  maybe you have forgotten what it is like to be a teenager.  This is not the best time for many teens... And as a matter of fact for many it is the worst.  Teens often feel misunderstood, lonely, scared, pressured, alone {different from lonely}... and sometimes pissed off.

Kids come to me stressed about many things... grades, fitting in, being accepted, being left out, feeling like a "loser", relationships, peer pressure, being bullied, trying to be cool, dating, drugs and alcohol.  They frequently say things like, "I'm ugly, "I'm fat", "I'm too tall", "Nobody likes me", "I have to get into the right college", "What if I don't get into college?", "I hate my hair", "She started a rumor about me" and the list of pressures for this generation of teens goes on and on.

Don't get me wrong, there are good times in adolescence but for many it is a complicated, exhausting "survival" mode for both teens and parents. 

Teens need to be validated, understood, and supported as they navigate this turbulent time.  So, parents... after listening to your teen share struggles, you may instead say something like this, "This is a hard time.  In fact, it really sucks.  And I know you will get through it.  And when you survive it and get to the other side, you will be stronger and you will be able to take on so much more!"

Thanks Chrisann for those words of wisdom... and here is a Drive Through Tool for parents of teens so you can take it into your busy life and use it today.

• Think of a time when someone really listened to you... REALLY listened to you.  Can you remember how good it felt to be heard?
• The next time you are lucky enough to have your teen share something with you, ask yourself... How can I listen without judgment, criticism or advice?

Advice is not listening.  Feelings get bigger when they are not allowed to be heard.

I sure am grateful that there are people like Chrisann who have resources for parents of teens during these struggles.  AND she can be an ally for the teen acknowledging them and saying, "I know you are strong and you will get through this."  We are all stepping stones in this process...

Ciao,

Anne

Teenagers... Why Don't They Care?

Welcome my friend, Jason Warnick, Director of Admissions at Hyde School in Woodstock, CT as our Guest Blogger.  Hyde is a college preparatory residential high school dedicated to family transformation and character development.  You can check out all that Hyde Schools have to offer at  www.hyde.edu.  It is a fascinating place. And here is what Jason has to say about, 

"Teenagers... Don't they Care?

Don’t they know:

• the choices they make now will affect their futures?
• what they do now is shaping who they will one day become?
• the grades they receive now will be scrutinized by college admissions offices?
• if they don’t get into a good college they may not get a good job and if they don’t get a good job they might not be able to support themselves and a family?

Yikes! So many parents are struggling with teenagers who just don’t seem to care. But here’s a little secret…come closer….listen …THEY DO CARE!

A few things get in the way:

1.  BEING COOL: It is not cool to care! In our youth culture today it is not that cool to be worried about your future. It is cool to chill. I like to chill myself, but I know that I stopped being cool a long time ago.

2.  SELF-ESTEEM: The kids who try the least, care the most! If a child believes in himself, then nine times out of ten, that child will try. It is when the child does not value his own abilities that he finds some benefit in the “I don’t care” attitude. I often ask kids, “If you could have any car, what car would you like to have?” Usually they say, “Ferrari” or “Porsche,” Whatever car they choose I then ask them, “If you got that car, would you eat McDonald's in it, spill milkshakes on the navigation system, sit on the hood or open the door into a fire hydrant?” The kids usually answer “NO WAY!” Then I ask “What if you had a 1983 Honda?” They usually have a different answer (no offense to Honda!) I often see kids treating themselves like old, beat-up Honda's when in actuality they are clearly Ferrari's! How frightening it can be to watch a Ferrari being driven like a bumper car!

3. YOU, the parents of teens!: If you worry more about your kid’s problems than your kids do, then they don’t have to!  If you will take care of your child's problems, why should he care?

After working with hundreds of teens, I know that…Teenagers DO care. They care about their futures, their friends, their success and failure, their lives and their families.

• Try to connect with your kids and respect the fact that they are figuring themselves out.
• Let them know that their struggles are their own and that you believe in them and in their ability to overcome.
• Let them know that they can ask for help anytime.
• Be understanding.
• Be honest.

Remember... even when they really want you to believe that they don't care... They  really do care."

Please respond to Jason's post by leaving your comments below. 

Thanks Jason... Lots to think about,

Ciao,

Anne

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Is It OK to Hate Your Teen?

Welcome Loren Buckner, LCSW, parent, psychotherapist and author of her soon to be released book, "The Incredible Journey of Parenthood".  Loren wrote the following note about parenting teens and loving and letting go and you can reach my friend Loren at lorenb@tampabay.rr.com with any questions or feedback

"Enjoying the Ride"

"Teenagers – can’t live with them, can’t live without them! 

One reason this is such a trying time is the intensity of their emotions, along with our own feelings, seem practically impossible to handle.  Their developmental process is all about defining themselves – which in many cases causes them to make choices diametrically opposed to the values we had been working hard to teach.

Teenagers attack family bonds as a means of separating and becoming more independent.

Understanding all this helps some, but it’s a hurtful, painful, messy process to be killed off and live to tell about it.  Feeling their disdain, experiencing their rejection, hatred and hating them without retaliating is no simple task. Holding the line as they push against it takes nerves of steel.

Remember:

· You can love and hate at the same time and so can they.
· Be clear about your expectations 
· Do your best to set limits.
· Holding the values of respect and self-restraint go a long way.
· Love unconditionally.
· Be a good listener.
· Laugh with them as often as you can
· And trust that the good ingredients of their childhood will eventually resurface.

This roller coaster ride of parenthood can be more terrifying than you imagined. So hold on and enjoy the ride!" 

Thanks for sharing your wisdom Loren and good luck with your book!  I am looking forward to reading it!

Ciao,

Anne