Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

E is for EMBRACE... Life Surprises

"Mom, but what is a traffic jam?  How does it happen?  Where does it start?" 

When younger, my kids often asked this question when we would sit in traffic on the highway and slowly inch along only to finally get to a "magic" spot where the traffic would suddenly open up.  We would look around for signs of trouble and nothing, nada, no explanation for the jam. 

Well, after all these years of parenting I am stymied by similar situations within my home.

Have you ever noticed how:

• fruit if left unwashed in the fridge or not cut up {as in fruit salad} always rots?  However, if cut or washed and put out in a bowl- it all gets EATEN...
• somehow the last square of toilet paper always happens on my watch....  How do they time that?  Do kids take just one square to make sure they do not have to put the next roll on?
• a clean kitchen sink stays free of dirty dishes until ONE person puts that one dirty plate in the sink and then... magically everyone else forgets how to load the dish washer and the dishes pile up.
• no one notices the dog sitting at the front door {with his legs crossed} until I yell, "Someone take the dog out!"
• it is so much easier to keep a clean house clean than to try to tidy up a mess?

Family traffic jams...  unexplainable and so predictable phenomenons that confound us. 

These occurrences are just as mysterious as a clogged drain.  How does that happen?  How does that first piece of clean, shampooed hair get stuck in a smooth drain and then the next hair and the next?

I am a life coach and a parent.  That can be a curious combination because I do not have the answers to so many of life mysteries- big and small, trivial and urgent, irksome and pleasant.  These mysteries show up all the time and I embrace the randomness of life.

At the end of the movie, "Dan, In Real Life", {which I highly recommend to parents of teens}, Dan ponders  how he always had a well defined life plan and he did not want to veer from that even when it was not working as he had planned.  By the end of the movie and many family traffic jams he developed a new life plan and it was,

"Be Surprised!"

And as a life coach and a parent, I think that is the best life attitude of all because life is not about having the right answers.  It is usually about asking the right questions. 

Please share some of your family traffic jams so we can all be surprised together,

Anne

And please take a peek at my new book,

"Rise and Shine Anytime" Simple Questions To Wake Up Your Life

It is full of some Kick Butt Questions for Parents!

C is for Challenge for Parents of Teens

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors." --Khaled Hosseini, author of The Kite Runner

C is for CHALLENGE...  The 4th Step in Bringing Your Best To Your Parenting

Wow!  That really hits home especially as my kids get older and begin to break away.  It used to be so easy- even though I didn't know it then. 

Little kids, little challenges- Big kids big challenges.

I don't get to fill in their lines with my colors... it doesn't work.   They are their own unique masterpiece in process.  Sometimes I don't like the colors or the subject.  That is when it gets tough.  That is when I start to ask,

• Can I find and cherish who my child is rather than who I want them to be?
• What is the difference between making a positive impact and control?
• When I lay dying, how important will their choice of their colors be?

We won't be around forever.  How can I spend more time refining me as a masterpiece in process?  How can my choice of colors impact them?  Where is the line?

Sending my best,

Anne

A is for Acknowledgement... Getting Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Let's face it...  this parenting teen and young adult gig has lots of wonderful and lots of uncomfortable.  Whenever I begin to talk about the challenges of parenting teens, some people think it is negative talk.  There is a difference between negative talk and reality.  No matter how I look at it, this letting go thing is hard.  And letting go is happening, and there are parts of it that I love!  That wonderful parent paradox shows it's head again- loving it and hating it...

Usually the feelings that really bother me, make me struggle as a parent and get me going, is a fear of some sort...  fear of death, failure, the wrong crowd, the wrong place at the wrong time, WHATEVER!  I know that when I parent from that constricted, fearful place that I do not react, plan, decide or interact in the best way.  I have an expression, 

"What's your fear?...   Can't parent from there!"

The best thing for us parents of teens to do is ACKNOWLEDGE  that emotion of fear.  Say it out loud and get it out of your body and mind...  After acknowledging the fear then say what you know to be true.

• "I am afraid she will have an accident driving at night and I know she has practiced and is a good driver."
• I am afraid she will get lost driving to a new place and she has been there before and she has a cell phone."
• I am afraid that this trip is too long and goes into areas that I feel are unsafe.  I know it will make her very mad when I say No but I think this is beyond her driving skills at this point."

Acknowledging the emotion is like giving it air to breathe and it can then stop struggling and gasping to be heard.  Then ground yourself in what you know rationally to be true.  This is how we can tie in emotions with rational thoughts and walk away more wise...

How does that sound to you?  Are you willing to try this?  When I coach parents of teens I ask that they try this one time a day and really say it all out loud!

My best to all you parents of teens in the struggle who keep on trying!  Do you know any parents of teens not struggling with these issues?  Then they have not begun to let go!

Sending my best to you!

Anne

PS Ackowledgement is the 3rd step in the G.R.A.C.E.process that I developed for parents of teens and you can buy the book here now!

R is for RELEASE... Do I Hold On or Let Go!?

"Life is like a roller-coaster. You can either hang on for dear life and scream in terror, or you can put your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride." - Karne

This is a great image for me about my job as a parent of a teen and a young adult...  Wow.  As my kids get older, I find myself consciously deciding whether this is a "hold on" or a "let go" moment.

These are some of the perspectives and thoughts that I must release in order to let go of my child as they move into adulthood:

• My kids are not "mine"...  They are separate people with separate wishes, aspirations, dreams, challenges, destinies...
• My kids may be dependent in many ways but they are still creative, resourceful and whole.
• That even with the best parenting, kids will make mistakes.  These mistakes are to be lessons for them. 
• I keep looking for right answers.  The questions get more difficult and the answers are less clear.
• This is a crazy world to raise teens in and parenting from fears is the worst approach possible.
• As hard as my kids push to break away... we parents are still the most important people in their lives

So much of this parenting teens gig is about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

What do you need to release that will allow you to step into your role as a parent of a teen?

Where is your "letting go" challenge?

Got you thinking?  I hope so,

Ciao,

Anne

PS  R is for RELEASE...  This is the 2nd step in the GRACE process that I created to help center myself in the parenting chaos...  From chaos to calm.  Check out the book at the link above and you can buy it there if you'd like to have it as a parenting tool...

Gratitude and Summer Vacation... The First Step of GRACE...

                                                                                                                 

    

If you are old enough to be a parent of a teen then you will know this song and can sing along....

{Sing each letter individually in first word...}

VACATION... in the summer time

And for those too young to sing along... Oh, well...

We just got back from a week away on my favorite place... Martha's Vineyard.  And G is for GRATITUDE and I do feel grateful.  Believe me , we had our ups and downs and generally a great week. 

My family and friends think that I was on vacation with them.  But let me tell you a secret...  I was really there with Harry Potter.  I could not have been any happier to begin a week away with J.K. Rowling's book, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows released the day before I left.  700 pages of bliss... AND I finished it AND I am not telling the end though it was on the Internet just hours after the release.  Boy was it fun.  I never had a dull moment and I had plenty of time to play with the real people with me on my trip also!

This is what I am taking away from my week away which went way too fast:

• It is worth it to figure out how to have fun with your kids no matter what their age, your age or what the challenges are you are all facing.
• Adventure is the great equalizer... Go do something where it is new to everyone and you are all experimenting and learning.
• Including friends of your teens on the adventure may be the best way to actually enjoy your kids {and may be the ONLY way that they will even go on the adventure with you- with a good attitude}.
• I cannot continue to have ice cream every day and maintain this svelte figure {that was a joke} no matter how much I swim, bike, kayak and move...
• It is so worth it to take the time to rejuvenate.  That means stop and do whatever fills you up again!

The first step of GRACE is just asking...  What am I grateful for?

The next step that I am asking you is... How do you get more of that? 

Vacation is only one way.  The secret is finding it in your ordinary day...  sort of like taking a 5 minute vacation... 

Do you know what I am talking about? 

How can you stick your feet out the window and feel the breeze of anticipation and fun today?

Ciao,

Anne

PS G.R.A.C.E for parents of teen 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment is a book that I wrote.  It will walk you through this simple process called GRACE...  We all need a little more of GRACE in our lives and it is available to all of us much more than you think!

E is for Embrace... The 5th Step in the G.R.A.C.E. process... Perspectives

What do you see in this photo?

A pest that might poop on your patio furniture? OR

A magnificent creature allowing you the opportunity to gaze for a brief moment on their awkward beauty?

What you see, depends on your perspective.  Both can be right... and depending on which one you choose to be in... to embrace... will determine your actions, your relationships and the outcomes. 

When I talk to parents of teens, I hear the entire spectrum from being dug into their current attitude and perspective and defending it... to total confusion about which attitude and perspective is appropriate. 

"Let me tell a story:

Three laborers were approached by a villager.  "What are you doing?" the villager asked.

And the first laborer said, "I am just earning my living."

The second laborer said, "I am laying bricks." 

And the third laborer said, "I am building a cathedral.""  from "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Which attitudes are you embracing as a parent of a teen and young adult? 

• How are your thoughts and perspectives a reflection of your fears and the limitations you see in your child?  your home?  your world?
• What new perspectives are you willing to EMBRACE?"
• If you were to stop bracing against 'IT' with your teen, what would be possible?
  So many of we parents of teens really hang on the extremes of perspectives...  What if you could go to the bigger picture?  What if you could go to "What is possible from here?"

Thanks to my husband, Jon, who saw the beauty in this moment when he was visiting his Mom in Florida and ran and grabbed his camera...  WOW!

What is possible in your life and in your teen's life if you spread your wings and embrace 'IT'?

or if you allow them to spread their wings?

Just some thoughts... we don't want you going to sleep on this beautiful summer day,

Ciao,

Anne

PS  An eerie thing just happened.  In between finishing this post and actually publishing it I had to take my daughter somewhere.  When I got back, my son was here and I kept thinking of how I could take on a new perspective in our conversation.  I said , "Let's sit down and talk outside here on this beautiful day.."  He looked in the garage and grabbed some beach chairs and we sat and talked....  I tried to do most of the listening.   And I look up and flying extremely low right over the drive way and right above our heads is a HERON just like the one above!  And I do not live in the Everglades...  I live in Boston!  Grace...

PPS  If you are curious about the "G.R.A.C.E." then scroll down the left hand column of this site and Go to Categories.   "G.R.A.C.E." is archived there for you to explore and read. Thanks!

C is for CREATION... What do I want to create and bloom in my garden?

  I started raking out my garden on May 21st.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  I get renewed energy.  I love it because the color comes back into our world up here in the North East.  Not only the color but the sounds change as the birds return and the peepers yell for their mates...  Our world bursts with life.  Kittens are born, nests are built and I get to rollerblade again.  You can feel the energy of Creation as it blooms, sings and generally bursts out  everywhere. 

These sprouts were lying underneath the dead leaves 2 weeks ago when I uncovered them.  The dead leaves were part of this creation because they protected these babies from the snow and cold all winter and early spring.

Here are the same "sprouts" 2 weeks later on May 5... 2 WEEKS!!!    WOW!  Talk about CREATION and CHALLENGE! Talk about determination...

Where do you see yourself, as a parent of a teen, in this Creation process?

Are you the dirt?  The dead leaves?  The sunshine?  The rake?  The melting snow?  Think about that...  Where is your energy around Change and Creation in your family?...  Do you just let it happen or do you landscape it?      

OR

Is it possible to look at you as the sprout?  Can you challenge yourself to see what is possible in your life as your teen blooms and grows and takes so much space in your garden?  How can you bloom?

"The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

My gardens are sort of wild.  Since I am so interested in resiliency in families and organizations and people... I have a hard time deciding what is actually a weed. 

Let's get real... change and creation happens whether we think about it or do anything about it.  Just look at those sprouts!  Change is coming at us at a rapid rate.  I find that at my age and given the ages of my kids that I have to protect MY ENERGY so I have it to use for what really matters to me.  I don't have enough to squander it like I could when I was younger.  And our children will draw from our energies as they grow...

How can you envision positive, desirable ways to channel and direct that energy? 

What could bloom for you?  for your family?  for your child?

What weeds need pulling?

Challenge Exercise for you:

For the next week, just before bedtime, write one line on a piece of paper describing what you would like to have bloom in your life.  This may be just the next day... it may be the next week,,, the next year.  Consciously end each day with the positive thought and vision by answering the question, "What do I want to bloom in my life?"  Write the answer, put it on your pillow and let it sprout for you as you sleep.  In the morning, listen to the answer you get and direct just 10 minutes of your day in that direction.  Picture this like you are watering your garden.

Sending you a bouquet of my best,

Anne

PS  This is the 4th step of "G.R.A.C.E. 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment".  Read more at the G.R.A.C.E. Series

A is for ACKNOWLEDGEMENT... We Got A tough Job

The G.R.A.C.E. Process..  I developed this when my family was in a big struggle.  I lost my balance and needed away to step into grace...  This was what I created 4 years ago and still use every day of my life... 

G.R.A.C.E. is an acronym and it stands for:

G is for Gratitude

R is for Release

A is for Acknowledge or Accept

C is for Challenge or Creation

E is for Embrace

Today, is about the 3rd step of the process... Acknowledgment... We parents of teens got a tough job...That is what I want to acknowledge... 

I want to shout out to all parents of teens and young adults to let them know they are not alone.  Raising teens today is everything like it was 30 years ago and raising teens today is nothing like it was 30 years ago...  What can you do with that?

When we started this parenting gig, things were more clear cut- timeout, p and j sandwiches, and they still believed in the Easter Bunny.  And I thought that was a hard time!

And that brings us to now...  This is what I want to acknowledge-

• This is a different world that the one you grew up in- wake up call!
• You started as the total nurturer and supplier of all to your young kids and you must gradually move towards the job of consultant as they mature
• This is not a science... They will make mistakes
• This is not a science- You will make mistakes
• This is a stage and you will all move through it
• Your toughest job is to know when to hold on and when to let go
• Your fears cannot be the driving force in your parenting

I would like to acknowledge all the parents of teens doing the best they possibly can and still laying awake at night worrying.  Sometimes it feels like it is our job to just get them through alive... and sometimes that is exactly right.

Parents are the most important factor in how all this turns out...  and there are no guarantees.  The best parenting in the world does not necessarily correlate with the best outcomes...  We just have to keep giving it our best, one day at a time.

So, I hope this reaches some ears that so need to hear that.  I was reminded of all this as I sat in Alanon and listened to the stories  being shared.  I wish I could have grabbed those Moms and said what I just said to you.

Acknowledgment is a funny thing... Sometimes just saying it, getting it out, giving it some oxygen, giving it space to be seen and heard is exactly how we get to move forward.

"Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgment of what is working in our lives can help us not to just survive but to surmount our difficulty." Sarah Ban Breathnach

Ciao,

Anne

PS My book "G.R.A.C.E. 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment" is available on this site.  I share this with lots of parents who really find it helpful.  i hope you will too!  If interested, scroll down the left hand column and go to Books/ the G.R.A.C.E. Series and read more!  thank you!

R is for RELEASE... What do I want to let go of?

Thank you to Jon Jolles, blooming photographer, for sneaking up and capturing this fleeting moment last autumn on vacation... 

Was that the last time I put my feet up?  My feet say , "Yes".

"If my hands are fully occupied in holding onto something, I can neither give nor receive."  Dorothee Solle

R is for RELEASE:  What do I want and need to release?

This is the second step of G.R.A.C.E. 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment. 

I am in a state of overwhelm right now.  The next 3 weeks are so packed with stuff going on that I have myself scared...  And it is all good stuff...  So, here is what I want to let go of:

• That it has to be perfect
• That it is all too much
• That I have to over think it
• That it has to be hard
• That the ME reclining on the bench above is not invited
• That it is work and not fun
• That if something goes awry...  it will be disastrous
• That everything has to get done today

That's a long list...  when I go into those anxious feelings and stay with them and listen to them and learn from them...  It helps me to figure it out...  And let go of them.  Then the overwhelm goes away.  If I just keep up a frantic pace and just keep busy, it keeps me in that place where it feels out of control. 

I am going to hang that picture on the fridge so I can invite that reclining, relaxing person into the chaos.

We are planning a Sweet 16 party for my daughter...  I am going to let go of this and dance my little feet off...  How sweet it is! 

"The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."  Abraham Lincoln

Thanks, Abe... 

Anne

Ps.  This 5 Step process is available to you to purchase in my book, G.R.A.C.E. for parents of teens- 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment.  Scroll down in the left hand column of this blog to The GRACE SERIES and check it out. 

G is for Gratitude... So Simple and Accessible

WOW...Thanks to David Silverman... Getty Images for the beautiful photo.

Are you aware of the fascinating and compelling research on the power of gratitude?

As parents, life gets busy and we can get distracted by taking care of everyone else.  Sometimes we lose sight of what is really important.  Or worse yet, we focus on what is NOT going right.   

Gratitude is like the tide coming in and and all the boats rise...  Research shows that embracing what is going right on a regular basis elevates your perspective and allows you to operate from a more positive place.

Gratitude is a sure fire and quick way to bring you into the present moment.  The present moment is the only way JOY can enter your life.

"Robert Emmons and Mike McCullough, randomly assigned people to keep a daily diary of 2 weeks, either of happenings that  they were grateful for, or life hassles, or simply of life events.  Joy, happiness, and life satisfaction shot up for the gratitude group."  {from "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman}

Challenge:  When you sit down to dinner or any meal with your family, ask everyone to share one thing that is going right for them.  Your teens may be resistant at first to this...  You may have to go first.  Then watch what happens to the energy and attitude of the group...

Sending my best,

Anne

PS.  If you enjoy this then please go to the left hand column and scroll down to FEED BLITZ and sign up and you will be notified when I post!

Or better yet... save this site address into your FAVORITES and come back and visit me soon...