Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

When Did I Get Invisible?

"Mom, that was thirty years ago...  That's not the same thing now."

"You can never understand all the pressure I am feeling at work."

"What do you have to worry about?... Your old and your life is all set.  I have to get my life going..."

I heard all these things this week... At first they really annoyed me and I wanted to respond with some not so nice things like...

"Well try throwing 2 kids into it and having to pay a mortgage and then we can talk about stress..." 

And somehow I knew that was not a great idea.  I thought, "Is there a pattern here?"  I definitely heard that we are obsolete dinosaurs in their eyes.  Sometimes I have to be hit over the head to get it. 

Here is my perspective on dealing with this attitude:

• Don't take it personally.  It is a stage, and it lasts through twenties...
• Don't fight it and argue about how your experiences really are relevant.
• Wait until they ask your advice... but don't hold your breath.
• Listen to yourself for when you go into lecture mode because the only one listening at that point is you.
• Learn to laugh...

When your older child is venting to you and you are hearing extreme discomfort or challenge from them, try this one:

A wise friend said to me,

"Be the still water in their life" and reflect back what they are seeing and feeling.

So, this may sound like... 

"Wow, that seems really hard." or

"I can see how hard you are working.  That is really tough." or

"That must be really frustrating." or

"I can see you are really angry.  I understand how you feel."

Then I usually try to add something about getting through it to the other side.

Just make it honest about what you see them experiencing.  Our kids don't have much "still water" in their lives...

So, dinosaur... get over it!  You are not alone...

Ciao,

Anne

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Five Big Questions... for parents of teens

September is so bitter sweet for me...  I am really distracted as everything and everyone is in transition.  It is hard to hold a thought. 

On one hand I cannot wait for school to start so we can get some structure back in this house... and on the other hand, I am dreading the start of school because of all those demands and ridiculous school and activities schedules.  Many of you are going to be sending kids off to college...  I always thought parenting was going to get easier as my kids got older... well... surprise!  It doesn't.

So, let's see if my friend Michael Bungay Stanier's new movie can help you to get your groove back during this chaotic family time. 

==> The 5.75 Questions You've Been Avoiding
http://www.FiveBigQuestions.com

Watch this and it will help you to connect to what is really important in your life now...  It does it to a funky bass beat.

Thanks Michael,

Ciao,

Anne

DOG RAP... Cartoon for Parents of Teens

Do you ever wonder how the teen culture got to this point today?  I do.  And then other days I think it is so similar to what I was doing when I was a teen but it just looks different...  Maybe so.

No matter what, there is a a lot that I cannot relate to.  It sure does help when I can laugh...

What makes you laugh about your teen and their world?

What makes your teen laugh about your world?

What can you do together with your teen where you can share a laugh and laugh out loud?

I would love to know...

Ciao,

Anne

Wisdom Worthy of Hanging on the Fridge

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these..."      Paul Harvey

Sanity Rule #3 for Parents of Teens and Young Adults

Parents of teens live in a paradox of clarity and confusion...

You may be thinking, "What the heck does that mean?"

Wickipedia defines paradox as:

"A paradox is an apparently true statement or group of statements that leads to a contradiction or a situation which defies intuition. "

A paradox is when you are actually dealing with opposite thoughts feelings, emotions,and/or assumptions.  It is holding opposites at the same time.  Sound familiar?  We parents live in this state much of the time when dealing with our teens where many of our decisions defy intuition.  The decisions are not as clear cut as they used to be.  The teen culture is more complex, your kid is older and...  you have to constantly decide if you are going to make decision from the holding on perspective as a parent or the letting go perspective.   

Welcome to the world of parenting teens...  It is somehow comforting to me to just recognize that when loving and letting go...  I am often living a paradox.

Here is a little wisdom for you parents from the book I wrote, Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen:

"1.  You do not know what you do not know

2.  What you think you know is already outdated

3.  What you need to know, you may learn the hard way

4.  Some of what you'll learn, you'll wish you didn't know

5.  Hindsight has no mercy"

A Testimonial from a professional:

"I believe people will find Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen a helpful resource"  Dr. Robert Brooks.  Dr. Brooks is a parenting expert and has a great website full of fabulous articles for parents.

I am interested... what paradox is showing up for you now in your parenting?

Sending my best,

Ciao,

Anne

PS You can buy my book and CD at www.annejolles.com.   Thanks!

PPS Are you interested in what the other Sanity Rules are?  Then go to www.annejolles.com and sign up for the free e-course for parents of teens that lists all 10 Sanity Rules for Parents of Teens...

"My Daughter Is In Jail"...

I just sat with a Mom who said those words...  The words that all parents cannot ever imagine saying without getting chills or even nauseous...  " My daughter is in jail."  Ughh...

She doesn't tell too many people because other parents don't have a frame of reference to even respond.  What do you say to that?  "Oh, too bad..."  "Holy Crap!"...  "Oh, my daughter just got into a really good college..."   "Have you seen the latest Desperate Housewives?"...

Those responses are the ones she can deal with...  It is the cutting judgmental reactions that silence her and isolate her from us parents whom she so desperately needs...  "You never were tough enough."   "You just never got the parenting thing right."  Or just the stony silence... 

Her daughter is a young adult and an addict.  Sure kids can develop addictions from bad parenting...  And some people are born with addictive traits...  programmed that way.   Good parenting, horrifying outcome...

Let's face it...  there is nothing more frustrating to me than seeing horrible parents with great kids!  That happens.  This parenting thing does not come with an owner's manual.  It is the old discussion... nature vs. nurture.  And no one knows the right combination

My reaction when I heard her words was, "There but for the grace of God goes I."  I grew up in an alcoholic home.  Do you think my Mom ever planned on becoming addicted?  It is a slow seductive process that we are all vulnerable to.  Hate to burst your parenting bubble but no one is immune.

So, I asked her... "How can we support you?"  She said..."Thanks for that question"  She is a good mother.  So, we had dinner and believe it or not, we enjoyed it... And I just sat and gave her the space, without judgment, to let it out and let her be with it.  I had to give myself the space to be with it too.  It is not easy stuff...

When I got home, I asked my husband to take a walk with me so I could "chill out".  We live in a neighborhood with lots of woods surrounding it.  We heard laughter coming from the dark woods and saw lights coming out on the path from the woods as a large group of teens emerged...  This was a big group of everyday teens... Do you think they were having a scavenger hunt?  Or playing Hide and Seek?  Remember my only piece of advice to parents of teens and young adults? 

Do not ever take the attitude, "Not my kid." 

We all get up every day and put our little feet on the ground and do it all again to the best of our abilities...  And we cannot control outcomes.  Somewhere between paranoia and ignorant bliss, there is a place for parenting teens.  It is a place each parent has to find as we make our way through this maze...

My best goes out to my friend as she takes over the parenting of her grandchildren...

The beat goes on,

Ciao,

Anne

PS  If you have concerns about your child's alcohol or substance abuse, then reach out early and get some answers.  Hazelden has "Alive and Free- Prevention Tips for Parents of Teens".

Quote for the Fridge... A little reminder for parents of teens

"It is hard to be a parent and not a best friend"

No time of year do I need this reminder more than the summer... Our teens have so much unaccounted time...  So much freedom...  And it is all good, hopefully...

AND my kids don't need another BFFL {in teen talk that is Best Friend For Life- sounds like and they say  biffel}...  They need a LPFL {in parent talk that is Loving Parent for Life-  It is funny, if you say that out loud it sounds like lipful} and I think that is what I am recommending to you... 

Stay connected as the loving and present parent and make each lipful count...

Being the Loving Parent for Life is not always easy and certainly not as much fun as being the best friend... 

Hang in there...

Ciao,

Anne