GUILT... Occupational Hazard or Helpful Hint?

Welcome Back my friend Loren Buckner.  She is a parent, psychotherapist and author of her soon to be released parenting book.  Loren is joining us again today with the following note about parenting teens and GUILT...  You can reach my friend Loren at lorenb@tampabay.rr.com with any questions or feedback

"Kids ask for things dozens of times a day -- Can I have the car? Can I go to the party? Will you type my homework for me? Will you take me to the mall? Buy me an ipod? Or pay me to clean my room? Knowing what to say is difficult enough. But when kids don’t get what they want they really know how to crank up the pressure. Decision making under these circumstances is a delicate balancing act that often depends on your mood and how tired you are. 

Uncertainty and guilt are occupational hazards for parents. For one thing, parents know they are supposed to be consistent but consistency isn’t as easy as it sounds. Then, in addition to the everyday stress that family life creates, there are any number of unforeseen problems that cause parents to question themselves.

Doing what’s best for your kids, focusing on your job, as you also take care of your other relationships and yourself stir up guilty feelings about not being up to the awesome task of raising children. And, if guilt was used on you when you were a child, then it’s easy to fall back into talking to yourself in this same self-defeating style.

Guilt can be helpful though. When it reminds you that you said or did something that you don’t feel very good about and don’t want to do again, then guilt has a purpose. But relentlessly beating yourself up in the hope that it will make you a better parent is terribly unproductive and self-destructive. 

So, here are a few tips:

• Distinguish between the big mistakes and the little ones.
• When you make a mistake, own up, talk over whatever happened, and work toward understanding how and why things went wrong.
• Try treating any remaining guilt and self-hatred with repeated doses of forgiveness and compassion.  They are good antidotes."

Thanks, Loren!   Sometimes I feel guilt can actually age me! Great reminders that us parents are in this together and we are the best resources for each other!

Ciao,

Anne