Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

"This is the best time of your life." Yah, right...

Welcome my friend and mentor, Chrisann Merrick.  She is an Adjustment Counselor in a middle school for more than a decade.  Does that make you feel old, Chrisann?  Well, let me tell you about her... she is still a teen at heart.  You would have to be to do her job!  Here is some wisdom she shares for parents of teens...

"A teen sat in my office with his head down and he was feeling angry, confused, sad, lonely and defeated.  His mother was there listening and after he spoke about what he was experiencing she said, "This is the best time of your life."

And I thought, "Yah, right..."

With all due respect to many parents...  maybe you have forgotten what it is like to be a teenager.  This is not the best time for many teens... And as a matter of fact for many it is the worst.  Teens often feel misunderstood, lonely, scared, pressured, alone {different from lonely}... and sometimes pissed off.

Kids come to me stressed about many things... grades, fitting in, being accepted, being left out, feeling like a "loser", relationships, peer pressure, being bullied, trying to be cool, dating, drugs and alcohol.  They frequently say things like, "I'm ugly, "I'm fat", "I'm too tall", "Nobody likes me", "I have to get into the right college", "What if I don't get into college?", "I hate my hair", "She started a rumor about me" and the list of pressures for this generation of teens goes on and on.

Don't get me wrong, there are good times in adolescence but for many it is a complicated, exhausting "survival" mode for both teens and parents. 

Teens need to be validated, understood, and supported as they navigate this turbulent time.  So, parents... after listening to your teen share struggles, you may instead say something like this, "This is a hard time.  In fact, it really sucks.  And I know you will get through it.  And when you survive it and get to the other side, you will be stronger and you will be able to take on so much more!"

Thanks Chrisann for those words of wisdom... and here is a Drive Through Tool for parents of teens so you can take it into your busy life and use it today.

• Think of a time when someone really listened to you... REALLY listened to you.  Can you remember how good it felt to be heard?
• The next time you are lucky enough to have your teen share something with you, ask yourself... How can I listen without judgment, criticism or advice?

Advice is not listening.  Feelings get bigger when they are not allowed to be heard.

I sure am grateful that there are people like Chrisann who have resources for parents of teens during these struggles.  AND she can be an ally for the teen acknowledging them and saying, "I know you are strong and you will get through this."  We are all stepping stones in this process...

Ciao,

Anne

Fridge Worthy Wisdom.... Attitude Is A Choice

"Everyday I can either choose to ground myself in sanity or insanity.  The difference between the two is a little space."   Anne Jolles

"The Evolution of Dance"... Youtube Video

Let's say hello to the first weekend of summer by doing a little dancing and a little laughing. 

This video by comedian Judson Laipplyon is on Youtube and has been viewed by 49 million viewers...  So, here I am keeping you up to date with the "Cool Factor".  You can actually say to your kids, "Have you seen this video on YouTube?... It is hilarious."  And they might be impressed and actually think you are not as geeky as they thought...

In all seriousness, this is a great way to start summer- WITH A LAUGH! Something that both you and your kid can relate to...

So, click on the 6 minute video and boogie into summer with me!

Ciao,

Anne

Life Balance for Parents... CARTOON

Do you see yourself in this image? 

All of we parents of teens can relate to this at least some of the time.  And most of we parents of teens can relate to this... MOST OF THE TIME!

Our parents used to say they had lots of plates in the air. That was appropriate when we were home more frequently...  Now we are on the move!!!  We all seem to be always on the run... always on the way to somewhere else and trying to stay connected to everyone else who is also on their way to somewhere else.  I think the more appropriate term for our time is "Multi- Leashed" Parenting. 

How many leashes are you holding?

And the mother of all leashes for we parents... The cell phone!!!

Ciao,

Anne

PS  Did you know that you can sign up and be notified when I add something here?  Just go to the left hand column of this blog and scroll down to Subscribe to this Blog's Feed and enter your email address and Voila!  We are connected... Is that a digital leash?

The "Official Worry List" for Parents of Teens

Do you find yourself worrying about your teen or young adult?  Well, you are not alone.

Below is a Drive Through Life Tool to help you with that worrying problem of yours...  Take a minute and fill in the blanks and give this a try: 

Official Worry List {List top 5 worries below}

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

And now, ask and answer the following questions in regard to each worry:

What is in my control? 

What is out of my control?

The stuff that is in your control, you can now act on.

The stuff out of your control...  You have to let go of.  This is hard to do, I know.  One way to do this is to give yourself permission to "worry" for a short specified time each day...  like maybe a 1/2 hour only.  When those "worry" thoughts, come into your mind, put them away and say... "Not Now!"  Slowly you will surprise yourself as you train yourself to worry less.

Try to concentrate your time and efforts on the things on your "Worry List" that you can impact.  And the rest ... the worry... is just stealing your precious time here.  Worry drains you from being effective.  Stop fighting fights that you cannot win.

We have a big job here as parents and we need to conserve our energies for when we actually can make a difference...  You might find some energy to actually have some fun...

Ciao,

Anne

2 Gotta' Get Books for Parents

Hello,

Here are two books that I have used over the years and highly recommend to you:

"Siblings Without Rivalry- How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Too" and

"How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk"

Both of these must have books are by the same authors:  Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish...

Take a peek the next time you are browsing in the book store or library with your kids...  And here is the link to Amazon if you want to buy it.  Look for a used version.  These books have been around for a while... That's what I like, tried and true.

Always bringing you the resources to get you to the next step in your parenting...

Ciao,

Anne

Mother's Day and The Bloomin' Bleeding Heart

Look what's blooming for Mother's Day in my garden!  Check out the blossoms on this plant.  This is the same plant that was just a tiny sprout 3 weeks ago.  {Refer to photos earlier this week}  See the shape of the flower... Now you know why this plant is named Bleeding Heart.  How spectacular is that!

Mothers are one of the things that everyone in the world has in common...  we all have to have mother's.  We don't all have to choose to be a mother though.

This blog is dedicated to mother's all over the world!

I know so many wonderful Moms... and not all Moms are good Moms.  I also want to dedicate this to the Moms in the world who are not your typical Hall Mark moment Mother's and here are a few that come to mind... 

• To my children's Birth Mothers...
• To my 2 sister's who are single Moms and worked their butts off...
• To my friend Carol who is now Mom to her grandchildren...
• To my brother Rich who has always been a great Mom to his 2 girls...
• To Jen who is stepping up to the bat and doing the best she can with some tough stuff with her kids...
• To Norma and Marty for always leaving a back door open for me when I was growing up and needed  a safe place to land...
• To Jenna's mom who is spending her second Mother's Day with Jenna gone
• To the Moms who have lost their children in the war
• To all the Mother's that I met at MCI Framingham Prison for Women last week at the Alanon meeting...
• To the geese who some how managed to cross their 4 gosling's over the 4 lanes of highway yesterday

Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us Moms don't get to enjoy that Hall Mark moment that we think is supposed to happen today.  There are so many ways to be a Mom.  I had many do that for me when my Mom was not able. 

Mother's Day is so loaded with expectations and assumptions.  Not all of us have that Hall Mark moment and for many today feels like a bleeding heart.

My wish for you is that you celebrate all the great mother's in the world- no matter what their shape, size, color or species- by choosing to be a mother just by your actions of reaching out to someone else.

Happy Mother's Day!

Anne

Dogology... CARTOON

Willie's World... A metaphor for Parenting Teens and Young Adults.

When I speak to groups of parents, I try to bring lots of different perspectives to the moment.  Humor is always a good thing when parenting- but certainly not always possible and not always appropriate.  When I can draw on humor, it usually indicates to me I am coping well with a situation.

I hope Willie's World brings some different perspectives into your day as a parent.  If you would like to use this cartoon then please email me at abjcoach@comcast.net and let me know what the purpose is.  I always like to know where Willie is going especially when he is "off the leash".  And please leave all credits intact.

Also, I invite you to look at the book, "G.R.A.C.E. for parents of teens- 5 Steps For Bringing Your Best To The Moment" .  that I authored.  I get great feedback from parent of teens who need a quick tool to help change their perspective from a negative one to a more positive expansive one...  This would be a great gift for Mother's Day or a great gift for Father's Day.

Sending my best to you,

Anne and Willie

Ps  This post is dedicated to my friend Dawn... a constant source of new parenting perspectives...

C is for CREATION... What do I want to create and bloom in my garden?

  I started raking out my garden on May 21st.  Spring is my favorite time of year.  I get renewed energy.  I love it because the color comes back into our world up here in the North East.  Not only the color but the sounds change as the birds return and the peepers yell for their mates...  Our world bursts with life.  Kittens are born, nests are built and I get to rollerblade again.  You can feel the energy of Creation as it blooms, sings and generally bursts out  everywhere. 

These sprouts were lying underneath the dead leaves 2 weeks ago when I uncovered them.  The dead leaves were part of this creation because they protected these babies from the snow and cold all winter and early spring.

Here are the same "sprouts" 2 weeks later on May 5... 2 WEEKS!!!    WOW!  Talk about CREATION and CHALLENGE! Talk about determination...

Where do you see yourself, as a parent of a teen, in this Creation process?

Are you the dirt?  The dead leaves?  The sunshine?  The rake?  The melting snow?  Think about that...  Where is your energy around Change and Creation in your family?...  Do you just let it happen or do you landscape it?      

OR

Is it possible to look at you as the sprout?  Can you challenge yourself to see what is possible in your life as your teen blooms and grows and takes so much space in your garden?  How can you bloom?

"The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

My gardens are sort of wild.  Since I am so interested in resiliency in families and organizations and people... I have a hard time deciding what is actually a weed. 

Let's get real... change and creation happens whether we think about it or do anything about it.  Just look at those sprouts!  Change is coming at us at a rapid rate.  I find that at my age and given the ages of my kids that I have to protect MY ENERGY so I have it to use for what really matters to me.  I don't have enough to squander it like I could when I was younger.  And our children will draw from our energies as they grow...

How can you envision positive, desirable ways to channel and direct that energy? 

What could bloom for you?  for your family?  for your child?

What weeds need pulling?

Challenge Exercise for you:

For the next week, just before bedtime, write one line on a piece of paper describing what you would like to have bloom in your life.  This may be just the next day... it may be the next week,,, the next year.  Consciously end each day with the positive thought and vision by answering the question, "What do I want to bloom in my life?"  Write the answer, put it on your pillow and let it sprout for you as you sleep.  In the morning, listen to the answer you get and direct just 10 minutes of your day in that direction.  Picture this like you are watering your garden.

Sending you a bouquet of my best,

Anne

PS  This is the 4th step of "G.R.A.C.E. 5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment".  Read more at the G.R.A.C.E. Series

Unconsciously Incompetent... and that is ok!

"Is the big one the brake and the little one the gas pedal?", my 16 year old daughter recently asked me as she sat behind the driver's wheel for the first time after getting her learner's permit.  {We were not yet moving... TYG! That is text message talk for Thank You God}

"Wow"  was all I could whisper and squeeze out from my constricted vocal cords.  I reminded myself to breathe, release my two fisted- white knuckle grip from the arm rest, unclench my teeth and then said , "Yes, the big one is the brake and the little is the gas pedal."

Parental paradoxes cannot be bigger or more clear as you physically take the passenger seat and let your newly permitted, inexperienced teen drive you and your car.  Here is the paradox.... 

She does not know how to drive and the only way for her to learn is to drive.

I want to invent a teen driver's car.  I envision a little car with a BIG bumper that runs continually around the entire car, sort of like a large inner tube, so we can bounce off any unsuspecting, innocent obstacles that happen in our way or that are not necessarily in our way but somehow we come in contact with them...

It is hard enough to give up the driver's wheel and let her drive but it is even more terrifying that she is not even aware of the fact that she does not know how to drive and that does not really seem to bother her.  She is fine about this.  And guess what?  I have to get fine about this also.

I think that it is our job to allow our kids to be unconsciously incompetent when it is still us by their side.  It seems that our kids adolescence seems to stretch on and on and the first time they are on their own can be in their twenties and it is the first time they are making their own decisions.

• How can we let go and let them be unconsciously incompetent while still under our roof? 
• How can we let them mistakes, that are not fatal, and learn from the consequences when they are young and they can feel the weight of their decisions but not be overwhelmed by them?

We just went for another ride.  We have kept to side streets for a while and ventured out to streets with yellow lines today.

I can see she has moved from unconsciously incompetent to consciously incompetent...  With practice and experience, she is aware now of what she needs to work on...  And with patience and faith, I am aware that learning to drive means that she will make mistakes.  I try to think back to when I was learning to drive...  Now I know why my mom wore out.  The poor soul had already lived through 4 teen drivers before me!  That does not seem fair!

I am starting to see bits and pieces of my daughter's driving skills coming up to the consciously competent stage as she anticipates situations ahead and slows the car without me stomping my foot through the car floor trying to press the parental imaginary brake.

This whole process requires compassion and trust...  and when those fail- there is always a helmet!  Can you picture that?

Ciao,

Anne