Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

Picture your child as the ADULT you wish him/her to grow into...Hang this on the fridge

How do you picture your child as an adult? 

Go to the positive and healthy image.

I picture my children as independent, healthy, self reliant and pursuing their unique potential... whatever that is.

Now you take a moment and envision that positive image of your child as adult...  What do you want to help create?  You are a powerful ingredient in this creation... 

Who do you want to be?

What do you want to bring to your relationship?

Now, let's make a list called THIS and NOT THAT.  Thank you to Michael Bungay Stanier, Canadian Coach of the Year.  This is from "Outside The Lines".  He shared this in his blog http://www.getunstuckandgetgoing.com/blog/.  I have adapted it for parents of teens and young adults.

In order for my child to move towards that healthy image that I have for them as an adult I must call on myself to be a parent who is:

THIS:                                                             NOT THAT:

can enjoy the small moments                         is constantly worried

can let stuff slide                                          striving for perfection

can choose my battles                                   nothing is ever right

tries to make an impact                                 tries to control

can let others make mistakes                         always hover and protect

speaking honestly                                          peace at any cost

Do you get the idea? 

Now you make your own list and hang it on the fridge to remind you of that bigger picture of where you want to direct your parenting energies today so you can move towards the tomorrow that you are trying to create....

Keep this simple and add and subtract to it as you notice more...

This parenting gig is done one day at a time...

Ciao,

Anne

PS   If you like this Drive Through Life Tool then check out previous Fridge Worthy Wisdom that are saved for you to read again in CATEGORIES which are in the left hand column of this blog! Check it out... you might just find something else that moves you forward in the direction you desire!

The Parent of Teen Wake Up Call... CARTOON

Communicating Without Talking... Movies to Watch Together

So much is written on How to Talk to your TEENS...  And, I believe an essential skill for parents to develop is the fine art of communicating with your teen BY NOT TALKING. 

I don't know if you have noticed but teens and young adults experience selective deafness and it is in direct correlation to how much information, instructions and lectures we parents relentlessly try to impart to them.

I keep my eyes open for movies, books or music that we can actually share, enjoy together and just let the medium impart its message.  Not everything must be a teaching moment with us as teacher. 

The movies that I am recommending are not exactly wholesome and you may find parts offensive...  Welcome to the teen world.  Screen these first to see if they are acceptable for your family. 

Movie #1 13 Going on 30.

I think this appropriate for younger teens, though older ones will get a kick out of it.  It is actually one of my husbands favorite movies.  He likes when the good guys win...

Movie#2  Little Miss Sunshine

This seems appropriate for the older teen.  Beware- lots of use of the "F" word but it is an impactful part of the story.

I love both of these movies.  And both made all of us laugh... Can we do enough of that?

Challenge to you parent dinosaurs: 

Watch these movies:

• through the eyes of your child
• as a learner who does not know it all
• as a curious observer
• as a listener to your child's reactions

Your parental job... provide the popcorn...

Ciao,

Anne

Apology to your kid- As a Bigger Perspective

The Eye in the Sky...

NASA via AP

Can you believe this photo?  Talk about getting the bigger perspective on life?  This is an actual infrared image from NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope showing the Helix nebula, a cosmic starlit about 700 light years away.

I just apologized to my oldest child... he is 20 years old.  We had a heated discussion yesterday or in other words- a big argument.  I jumped in with both feet and made it personal.  There I was right in the middle of the emotion and drama and doing everything that I try and share with others not to do... 

Well, that is why I do not call myself an expert... because I am learning right next to all you other parents of teens and young adults... 

Yesterday was an AFGO- Another Freakin' Growth Opportunity!

Anyway, after an evening where I could rest, focus and GET THE BIGGER PICTURE, I decided to apologize.  My apology was honest, heart felt, and it took courage.  It only touched upon  my part in the problem and I asked for nothing from him. 

It is amazing how an honest apology gets behind people's defenses where they can actually listen.  I think he listened.  I had to leave my ego outside the door.

I think apologizing is a lesson in humility, respect and courage.  I hope it makes me more approachable and human to my kids.  We actually have a different feeling between us since then...  almost like the air has been cleared- or the playing field has been leveled. 

So, here's to the Big Eye in the Sky keeping an eye on us parents...  We need it.

Anne

The Serenity Heart...

Hallmark seems to have the romantic side of the heart business covered today.  AND there is another whole side to the heart that really matters...  and not covered by this holiday.  That is the situation where a parent is walking around with a broken heart or a hole in their heart.  However you want to describe it, their heart connection to their older child is strained.

This is dedicated to all the parents of teens and young adults whose children are struggling, challenged, in trouble or just out there alone and don't feel that heart connection the way the media makes it feel like you are supposed to feel on Valentines Day.

This is a Drive Through Life Tool...

      a simple tool to grab and go into your busy day...

How to use:

1. From your heart , Ask, "What is in my control?"

2. From your heart, Ask, "What is out of my control?"

3.  Muster your courage to focus your energies on -  "What is in my control?"

3.  Muster strength and courage to squeeze out of your heart all that you cannot control

4.  Stop fighting battles you can't win and focus energies where your efforts can grow...

This is dedicated to all the loving parents who happen to be creating their own Hall Mark moments... or should I say, Heart Mark moments...

All this is not bad.

It is, what it is, unless it ain't...

From my heart to yours,

Anne

G is for Gratitude... So Simple and Accessible

WOW...Thanks to David Silverman... Getty Images for the beautiful photo.

Are you aware of the fascinating and compelling research on the power of gratitude?

As parents, life gets busy and we can get distracted by taking care of everyone else.  Sometimes we lose sight of what is really important.  Or worse yet, we focus on what is NOT going right.   

Gratitude is like the tide coming in and and all the boats rise...  Research shows that embracing what is going right on a regular basis elevates your perspective and allows you to operate from a more positive place.

Gratitude is a sure fire and quick way to bring you into the present moment.  The present moment is the only way JOY can enter your life.

"Robert Emmons and Mike McCullough, randomly assigned people to keep a daily diary of 2 weeks, either of happenings that  they were grateful for, or life hassles, or simply of life events.  Joy, happiness, and life satisfaction shot up for the gratitude group."  {from "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman}

Challenge:  When you sit down to dinner or any meal with your family, ask everyone to share one thing that is going right for them.  Your teens may be resistant at first to this...  You may have to go first.  Then watch what happens to the energy and attitude of the group...

Sending my best,

Anne

PS.  If you enjoy this then please go to the left hand column and scroll down to FEED BLITZ and sign up and you will be notified when I post!

Or better yet... save this site address into your FAVORITES and come back and visit me soon...

The Liz Claiborne Teen Dating Abuse Hotline is Now Open!

As a parent of both a teen girl and young adult male, I hate to think this hot line is necessary... but it is.  According to their study conducted by Liz Claiborne by Teenage Research Unlimited:

• 1/3 of teen girls in a serious dating relationship fear for their physical safety
• 1/2 teens in serious relationship have compromised their personal beliefs to please a partner
• 1/3 of teens in serious relationship have been strongly controlled in what they do and where they go

This hot line web site is http://www.tcfv.org/nulceus/YHA.php?itemid=445 and the phone number is 1.800.799. SAFE

The website says, "Teens may be young but it doesn't mean they can't get hurt in relationships.  We're not talking about broken hearts.  We are talking about broken bones."

This hotline is just now opening and is available to anyone who feels the need to use it.

Thanks Liz, And...

The force be with you,

Anne

Striking a match for what is possible

"Motivation is a fire within.  If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly."  Stephen R. Covey

What message do you hear, in that statement, as a parent of a teen or young adult?

How are you trying to light your child's fire for them?

How can you assist your child in pursuing their strengths, their yearnings and their gifts? 

Can you, as a parent, accept and support your child's pursuit of their passions without focusing on your perception of success and achievement?

Can you honor your child's motivations and gifts to be separate and different from your own?  How?

What group or adult can you introduce your child to who could identify, appreciate and help them to use their strengths as they pursue their healthy passions?

How can you inspire your children by pursuing your own gifts, strengths and passions?

Helping your kid to connect with their strengths is one of the best ways to build resiliency...  help them AND you to engage in activities that make you feel good from the inside to the outside...

I have the questions...  Helping you to find your answers...

Ciao,

Anne

Ps You can send your child {or anyone else who you would like to express what is going right to} a Gratitude E-card for free.  Click on www.annejolles.com and from the home page go to Free Gifts For You and then click onto Gratitude E-cards.  You can send as many as you would like!

The New Millenium Pup- Cartoon

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ps.  If you look in the left hand column of this site, you can sign up for a free 5 week course {which you will receive as 5 emails} entitled: "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen".  Why don't you scroll on over and give it a try?  Just enter your name and email address and, Voila!  It will magically appear in your email... 

Ciao,

Anne