Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

"Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" Book Recommendation

If Jane Goodall can communicate with this Chimpanzee...  You can communicate with your teen or older child... Makes sense to me. 

And she looks like she is having fun.  Though the chimp looks like he or she is enjoying it more. 

Do you think the chimp is asking for a ride to the mall?  My daughter and I usually look that happy when we are buying hair "product".

So, I have a great book to recommend... 

"Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving your Kid Without Losing Your Mind" by Michael J. Bradley

I just love it! And it is not a teen bashing book.

Finally a book that seems like a professional who is living it and walking the talk.  It is not written from a research lab but from a  lot of real life experiences and it is practical.  It frames the discussion about New Millennium Parents and New Millennium Adolescent.  It follows up with Time Tested Strategies for effective parenting when dealing with adolescent rage, sexual activity, drugs, attitudes, dating, setting limits and boundaries and finally getting help if and when needed.

And Jane Goodall is not on the cover!  I just liked that photo...

Go on a date with someone you love, or at least like, and check out this book while you are sipping a latte,

Ciao,

Anne

What we definitely know about parenting teens and young adults...

"There are known knowns;  there are things we know we know.  We also know there are known unknowns:  that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know.  But there are also unknown unknowns- the ones we don't know we don't know."  Donald Rumsfeld, philosopher

Exactly! 

Thank you Donald...

Couldn't have said it better myself!

Anne

Parent Acknowledging Teen's Substance Abuse...

I just heard a mother struggle with saying the words, "My teenage son is addicted to OxiContin."  Every parent's worst nightmare and becoming more common to hear.  I was sitting in an Alanon meeting.  I am always struck by the honesty and courage of parents who have been brought to their knees by the excruciating pain of discovering and witnessing their child's substance abuse. 

I started in Alanon almost 36 years ago when I started in Alateen at age 16.  I was raised in a home with an alcoholic parent.  I still go to Alanon today because it is full of allies of mine- and I do not even know all their names.  I still know and love people who struggle with addictions.  I need to keep working on my attitude and my own recovery to be present in a healthy way in my life and in the lives of those I love.  There is something so viscerally different- feeling it like a knife in your gut-about going to the Alanon program because of a parent, spouse or friend...  than going because it is your child.

The challenges of a parent whose child is abusing  substances are challenges that no one would ever choose.  They enter our lives and the only choice is how are you going to deal with this?  What action are you going to take?   A good beginning is Alanon  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ .  I took that first step a long time ago and I am so grateful that it has been woven throughout my life.  If you supect your child is using drugs, especially life threatening drugs, consult with an expert and get help!  The more you know the better chances of making an impact in your child's life.

Check the CATEGORIES and ARCHIVES of this blog {scroll down and they are listed in the left hand column}.  You will definitely find some useful tips and tools that I have shared in this blog but learned in the program. 

To all those heart rockin' parents with the courage to step up to the challenges of loving a child with a substance abuse problem...  this blog's for you,

Anne

Ps  To all those parents who continue to delude themselves... Alcohol IS a drug.

Sanity Rule #1 for Parents of Teens and Young Adults

Keeping Your Sanity, While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen or Young Adult, Is Not Possible All The Time.

Just knowing that this period in your life and your child's life is not linear, which means it is not a straight line where you know what to expect, is a big part of staying sane.  There can be a lot of that 3 steps forward and 2 back for everyone.  But the only one in this relationship that you can control is you and your attitude.   We are aiming for bounce and resiliency.  Rather than set yourself up thinking there is one right way or that what worked the first 12 years of parenting is going to work now... stay more in the position of inquiry.  It takes hard work and conscious effort to parent teens who can appear crazy in a teen culture that has gone crazy.  The goal is for you not to let the craziness of this period be contagious so you are just as insane.

Good questions that keep me centered in the reality of these years are:

What is in my control? 

What is out of my control?

What is going right? 

How can I make an impact versus trying to control others?

Am I taking this personally?  Do I always have to win?

What do I need to learn here?

Am I modeling what I hope my child will learn?

Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

How can I acknowledge my older child for what is going right?

Staying centered as a learner as opposed to a parent who has all the answers helps me to bounce with all the unknowns.  It helps me to stay aware that I am going to be out of my comfort zone and expect that.

And though I strive for sanity and many days achieve it... bouncing is OK with me.  It is a good thing.. because without a bounce, there is a thud.

Thud, not so good.

Sending my best to you on your parenting journey,

Anne

PS.  I have written and illustrated a book, "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen"  You can read more about it or purchase it at www.parentyourteen.com

Dog Owner Training... Cartoon

 

E is for EMBRACE... Embrace a Positive Image of the Time Ahead

A Gift From The Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"One never knows what chance treasures these easy unconscious rollers {waves} may toss up, on the smooth white sand of the conscious mind; what perfectly rounded stone, what rare shell from the ocean floor...

But it must not be sought for or- heaven forbid!- dug for.  No, no dredging of the sea bottom here.  That would defeat one's purpose.  The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient.  To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith.  Patience, patience patience, is what the sea teaches.  Patience and faith.  One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach- waiting for a gift from the sea."

That passage from Lindbergh's book and that photo, which I took of the Pacific Ocean last year, are the positive emotional image that I am going to hold for myself and my role as a parent for what is possible in the coming year.  It is: The Year Of Gifts From The Sea... Patience and Faith. 

I am going to embrace that image by keeping the book at my desk and reading it when I need a reminder of where I am heading.  By doing this I hold onto the positive and continue to tweak my perspective as I travel through the upcoming months.  It will be both an anchor and a guide.

The Chinese New Year also asks that you name this upcoming year

The Year of__________________.

Can you fill in that blank for yourself?  your family?

Here are some ideas to help you get in touch with the bigger picture of possibilities for you and your family:

• make a collage of magazine photos that capture what you desire to create
• write a letter to yourself or someone who needs to hear your voice and say what needs to be said
• post a song title that says it all for you
• find a physical thing that encompasses your dreams {examples:a statue, glass heart, a stone}
• a metaphorical photo or item that speaks to just you of what you embrace as possible

Here are the 3 important components of this frame for your upcoming year:

1. A name that conjures up an image in your mind of expansiveness- not constriction
2. A time frame { it does not have to be a year} and
3. A physical object that you can hold or look at and remind yourself of positive possibilities

As parents of teens and young adults, I can think of no greater challenge than having patience and faith...  So, I am sending my thoughts to you that you meet up with some "chance treasures" this year on your parenting journey

With Gratitude,

Anne

The Resiliency Quiz

I just bought a newly released, great book, by Nan Henderson, entitled "Resiliency In Action- Practical Ideas for Overcoming Risks and Building Strengths in Youth, Families, and Communities".

Resiliency is the ability to "bounce" during adversity...  It is a pretty important life skill for our kids and for us.  Nan believes it is something that can be fostered in the environment and that can be learned.

You can take a resiliency quiz on her website and see just where you stand in your ability to "bounce back".  She also has great information on the site to provide insight into parenting your teen and older child:     http://www.resiliency.com/htm/resiliencyquiz.htm

Thanks Nan,

Anne

The Mantra of Resiliency

"What is right with you is more powerful than anything that is wrong."                              Nan Henderson- "Resiliency In Action"

What message do you hear yourself giving to your teen?  older child?

We have all grown so skilled at focusing on:

What is going wrong?  Where is the problem?  What do we need to fix?

The resiliency approach to parenting asks different questions:

Where have you struggled in the past and overcome something?  What strengths did you use then that could be emphasized and built upon now?

What is going right?

Where is the learning in your current challenge?

This is "Fridge Worthy Wisdom" and that means this piece of parenting wisdom is good enough to hang on your refrigerator as a reminder to give yourself a 'perspective check' in your family interactions...

This blogs for you,

Anne

The Parental Paradox: Holding On and Letting Go

Do you ever feel parenting your teen is not the job you signed up for?

Well, you are not alone.

If I could have one wish for all parents in 2007, it would be for them to understand and manage the Paradox of "Holding On and Letting Go Of Your Child".  We parents are living this paradox, which is the holding of opposite perspectives at the same time, during these years of parenting teens.  No wonder our job challenges us!

So, here we go with the first Drive Through Life Tool for 2007:

• Hold out one hand and call that the HOLDING ON hand.  What is that hand full of?  Picture It.  How are you doing that Holding On Thing that as a parent is required of us?
• Now, Hold out the other hand and call that the LETTING GO hand.  What is in that hand?  Picture It.  How are you doing or wanting to do that Letting Go Thing that is required of us?
• Picture yourself between the two hands holding them out and connecting the 2 opposite perspectives.  Observe quietly, the 2 factions.  By this I mean, Stand in between as a parent who is noticing what is going on in each hand.  I am asking you to step back from reacting with judgment or fear or trying to change anything or feeling compelled to act and OBSERVE IT.

My wish is for you to become an impartial witness to the struggle of what is transpiring inside of you and in your home and relationship with your older child.  From there, from the point of quiet observer, you can choose your response and choose your next move instead of being dragged into it.

As you try to put this into use in your real life, in stressful situations, it will seem really awkward, as all new learning does.  So, go to a private place for a few moments and gather yourself... take a 5 Minute Bathroom Break: Excuse yourself, walk in and shut the door, sit down and put one hand out at a time and ask the questions;

What am I being asked to let go of?  and

What am I being asked to hold on to? and

and then OBSERVE, listen and Breathe.

As you embrace the role of Observer, it will be one small step into calm and one giant step into "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go Of Your Teen" {Which I just so happen to have authored a book with that title-  I have been told it has a light touch to some heavy subjects}

Sending my best to you on your parenting journey!

Ciao!

Anne