Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

R is for RELEASE... The Big "What if"

I have that nervous feeling in my stomach...  I know it well...  It feels like a knot low in my gut.

I get it when I am getting ready to try something new or make a big change or pack and leave for vacation.  I also get it when one of my children is experiencing major change or discomfort...  As a parent, I get to have my knots and I get knots for them... 

"What if" is the name of that feeling and that tightly knotted rope in my gut.  I can picture it and feel it. 

When I actually pay attention I can hear it saying,

"What if":

• I don't leave enough food and H2O for the cat for the week I am away.
• we miss the ferry
• I forget the tickets and we miss the plane
• my kid does not make the...
• and the 'what ifs' get progressively worse... more dire...

And most have logical answers.  I can let go of them... Get to the ferry early... Do the best I can and then figure it out.  Stuff happens and it will all work out the way it is supposed to...

I know the "What ifs" will not go entirely away until I arrive at my next destination or my child passes through their distress to the next place.  So, I stop trying to get rid of that feeling and welcome it as part of this process and this day. as I move through changes.

So, R is for Release... to let go of...

I have to get rid of the notion that this knotted feeling is going away completely.

I have to just let "What if" be there while I'm going towards big changes or challenges.  When I acknowledge that "What if" feeling and listen to the concerns within me then they aren't in one big heap and I can let some of them go.

I hear myself saying, "I'll figure that out when and if it happens" or "They can deal with that if it happens."

Somehow sitting next to "What if" and listening to it helps me to release and loosen some of that knot in my stomach.  Sometimes the "What if" needs to be listened to because it is a good warning and I need to heed it.

Somehow knowing it's a feeling that won't kill me and I can be with it during the turmoil helps me to let go of the feeling that it must be another way...

For me, this is a big letting go of what is out of my control... and that's a lot.

But it's the only way "What if ' and I can get to our next stop over...

Blogging back to the quiet,

Anne

The family vacation... an oxymoron?

Having fun can be hard work...

In 72 hours, we are leaving for a week of vacation... 

Here's my list:

• have to tie up loose ends at work, arrange house sitter to keep plants and animals alive, pack for me {every human for himself} with exception of kitchen supplies and bedding, shop for supplies

Somehow last winter, I thought it was a great idea to rent a summer beach house big enough for family and friends to visit...  What was I thinking?  I just finished making a spread sheet for who is coming when, available beds, directions to ferry...  I feel like an event planner... and we will have teen guests which adds another layer of fun and supervision...

And, it's all good.  I know it is a luxury and getting any sympathy around vacation challenges is not my intention. 

So, instead of moaning and whining I am going to make a declaration to myself and the vacation universe- "This is my vacation too!"

I intend to:

• read a great book {God forbid I read just a good book}
• bring drawing supplies and draw
• exercise everyday outside- rollerblade, bike, swim...  Funny, wasn't that what I used to call 'going out to play'?  How did it turn into something on my to do list? 
• buy a bag of penny candy the first day I get there and savor one fabulous piece of crap a day
• do something ridiculous and outrageous and never been done before by me {big challenge, will keep you posted on that one}
• skip
• not let anyone's moods or attitude effect mine {bigger challenge considering the crowd I'm hanging with}
• do something romantic with just my husband {My definition of romance has changed... I am not sure what that is going to look like...}
• wear a hat and sunglasses and go incognito into the specialty store, "Sanctuary", which is carrying my book, "G.R.A.C.E. Five Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment".  AND listen to what people say about my book and if no one is saying anything, I'll just buy them all and go home... only kidding.
• bring a noodle to the beach to float with so my feet do not have to touch the bottom when I go in the ocean to swim.
• jump off the bridge into the ocean current with all the kids.  Can I really do that?  I am scared thinking about it.  They will probably have to call a paramedic to pry my hands off the railing with the Jaws of Life. These types of escapades never used to bother me...Can you guess what bridge I am talking about- HINT from a movie:  "The SHARK'S in the pond!" 
• eat a different flavor of ice cream every day
• go out dancing
• dive under the water in the ocean and get my hair wet {This is a big deal because salt water does not bleach out the color!}  Have you noticed how many women swim and keep their heads out of the water to keep it dry? 
• find a big beach hat for the beach that will not embarrass the teens and we can all sit together- Forget that, what was I thinking?
• shower everyday in the outdoor shower.
• return home with no tan- remember when slathering your body with baby oil and sitting in the sun WAS the activity of the day?

So, how did I do?  I'm trying to make family vacation synonymous with fun...

I'm trying to make it about me, too.  I'm trying to make the fun and adventure be bigger than the work of it all!

All said and done... I can't wait!

Anne

Letting Go Starts Early

It was on my fifth birthday that papa put a hand on my shoulder and said,

"Remember my son, if you ever need a helping hand,

you'll find one at the other end of your arm."

Sam Levenson

Not just sort of tough... Cartoon

   

"Hello" This phone call is for you and it's you on the other end...Introduction to the G.R.A.C.E. Process

The pace and pressure on us and on our families

                                 seems to be steadily increasing... 

What if:

• you started to pay attention to your life like it really mattered? 
• you could set up your day like you felt you were making choices instead of being dragged?
• instead of phoning, emailing, faxing, IM'ing, text messaging, beeping and generally checking in with everyone else in your life, you paused and called yourself up and checked in on you?  And made choices from there?

I have created a tool for just that.  It is called

"G.R.A.C.E. for parents of teens

                            5 Steps for Bringing Your Best To The Next Moment". 

This is one of the Drive Through Tools for you to Grab and Go into your busy life.  The book is available on my web site www.annejolles.com for you to purchase and there is a version tailored just to the needs of parents of teens.

Would you climb a mountain without first checking the weather, your supplies, your equipment and then and only then pack your back pack?  The day of any parent can seem like an uphill journey so why do we just wake up and jump into our day or the next power packed situation without checking in with us to see what the weather is inside our head and heart?  We regularly need to check on our inner supplies and gear, our equipment for the unpredictable terrain and rapidly changing weather conditions in our home, jobs and lives.  Maybe it is time to take out some things out of our back packs that are no longer necessary or are too heavy.  Or maybe it is time to put some different things into the pack...  We usually just keep trudging into whatever shows up next saying, "Feet don't fail me now."

G.R.A.C.E. is a shortcut that can lead you to the perspective, "What is possible from here?" instead of "Oh no, I have to get up and do this all over again."

The letters of G.R.A.C.E. are an acronym that stands for:

• G is for GRATITUDE and the questions you can ask yourself are: 

What am I grateful for?  What is Going right in my life?

• R is for RELEASE and the question is: 

What do I want to and/ or need to release {let go of}?

• A is for ACKNOWLEDGE and/ or ACCEPTANCE and the question is: 

What do I want to Acknowledge and/ or Accept in my life?

• C is for CHALLENGE and/ or CREATION and the question is:

What is calling for Creation or Challenge in this moment?

• E is for EMBRACE and the question is:

What would be possible if, instead of bracing against it, I threw my arms out and Embraced it?

A GIFT for you:  If this seems confusing then you can receive a 5 week complimentary e-course on this process.  The intention is to walk you through the steps of G.R.A.C.E. so you can begin using this tool immediately as a shortcut back to sanity and on other days... it will help to keep you there.  Go to www.annejolles.com and sign up now. 

G.R.A.C.E. can be used to pause... check out this very moment and then decide where to focus your energy and attention as you get ready to step into the next moment instead of being dragged there. That short pause can change your future.

Stepping into the next moment with you,

Anne

Parents of teens are generally boring...

It's true...  For many of us it is an all consuming period in our lives...  It is for me.

Parents of teens are usually involved in a combination of:  very active in our teen's activities with sports, theater, friends, [you might find that all interesting but others may not], carpooling, working to pay for it all, caring for aging parents and raising other children of other ages. And we worry about stuff.  Some of us poor souls actually have to go through menopause as our teens go through 'teenopause'. [Another Blog in itself]

I am a boredom fighter...  I refuse to give in to the demands and rigors of this time of my life...  I crave interesting, creative, funny, unique, nature, beauty, friends, adventures, and energy from the world...  It feeds me so I can fight the fight. 

How do I do it?

Do the opposite of what is logical and makes sense...

Let's face it there is always another room to pick up, another report to write, another call to make, another bill to pay...   This rule works when you are tied into same old, same old... over responsible, overworked, overtired, over the top caring for others and letting your self go to seed.... Basically doing the hard stuff of our life and not getting enough of the fun stuff.

What do you want on your grave stone?

• Always kept a clean house
• Never had a report with an I not dotted or a T not crossed
• Greenest, neatest lawn on the street
• Had a new, expensive car every year
• I told you I was sick and tired

OR

• I remember that laugh
• She sure could dance
• The twinkle in his eye was contagious
• He had so much energy and enthusiasm

This 'Drive Through' tool works well to break through the parental inertia that can grip us.  There really are times when you can let go of routine, perfectionism or the general anxiety that comes from holding it all together- just plain old too much to do.

So, repeat after me, " This makes no sense and I am going to do it anyway."

You can do this and still make healthy, responsible, legal decisions...
                                       

     I'm going rollerblading...

Catch you later,

Anne

The Big Dig

Did you hear the news today?

Part of the ceiling of a tunnel in the "Big Dig" in Boston fell in last night at 11:00 pm...  A woman was killed when the portion of the roof of the tunnel crushed her car.  My husband and I drove through the tunnel at 10:45 pm last night...

Does that give you the chills?  It gives me the chills.  We just never know.  We think we have it all covered, all under control, we're cruisin' and...  that could have just as easily been us.

So, I think the message here for me is to lighten up!  We never know when we will breathe our last breath.  It all seems so serious and is it really?  Does it really have to be? 

How would my life be different if I knew that this is my last day? 

• Who would I spend my precious time with? 
• What would I say no to? 
• What joy would I absolutely want to enjoy one more time before...? 
• Who would I want to hug? 

Really, take a moment and answer those questions. 

Maybe that is a good view... it could be my last day.  Time is precious.  My energy is precious.  How do I stay in conscious choice, in this present moment, and do my life from a lighter place?  Because it could all go away so fast...

Anne

new view on the half empty glass

Adult:

          "My glass is half full"...

Another adult:

         "My glass is half empty"...

View from a teenagers vantage point:

        "Whose glass is that?  Can I finish it?"...

The Deep Doo-Doo Club

Parents of Teens generally fall into 3 groups:

Which one do you think you are in?

• Group #1:  "My teen is basically on track, I think and hope." 

These parents look great and are keeping their fingers crossed under the table...

They get to talk about SAT scores, colleges, recitals, trips abroad, vocational training, hockey scores, sports schedules, etc. at the neighborhood cookouts...

• Group #2:  "What the heck is going on here?" 

First signs have been received by these parents regarding their child taking risks, rebelling or are participating in things that do not honor their family values and beliefs, may potentially be harmful or unhealthy.  Heads Up Moment... the rules have changed... their bubble is burst...

These parents are generally more quiet at the cook outs...

• Group #3:  "How the heck did we get into this?  How do we fix this?  How do we get out of here?  What should I do?  Oh my GAWD!"

It is undeniably true that their older child has stepped into some deep doo-doo...  These parents hope no one knows about this mess or problem but unfortunately it is usually apparent to many people.

These parents generally don't go to the cookouts...

They are now officially members of "The Deep Doo-Doo Club"

Things for all parents of teens to keep in mind:

1.  "There but for the grace of God goes I."  That means you too could suddenly be in the club so resist the gossip and judgment.  No one is immune.  Challenges for our teens today come in many shapes and sizes.  Some of the best and most loving parents receive memberships...

2.  The Deep Doo-Doo Club does not have a Life Time Membership-  People can grow up {though that sometimes seems optional}, learn from the consequences, make healthier choices and move along to brighter days... 

3.  Know that if you find yourself an honorable though not happy member of The Deep Doo-Doo Club that you are really not in a club with a membership of one... there are plenty of others in there.  They are just a quiet bunch...

4.  You can be in more than one of the above groups at a time depending on how many teens you are blessed with...

5.  Members of The Deep Doo-Doo Club must not let the club become their only focus...  Remember to look at all that stuff in your family that is going right, too. 

For Parents of Teens... coming soon:

The Ten Rules for "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen"  from the book and CD of the same name by me...

This blogs for you...

Anne

Ooops! Another Pile Of Poop...

  Four Choices for Responding:

When You or Someone You Love             Steps into a Pile of Poop...

1.  Work on the solution.  Take action to positively change or impact the situation.                     Always ask yourself: Am I rescuing and/ or enabling irresponsible behavior or making a positive impact?

2.  Choose a response to the situation using both your head and your heart instead of reacting with just your head [logic] or your heart [emotion].

Picture this: It is like you sitting next to the situation and looking at it from outside of it instead of being in the middle of it.  This gives you the distance and time to choose your next move.

Always ask:  What is in my control?  What is out of my control?  Whose responsibility is this?

3.  Acknowledge emotions and the situation.  Accept the situation just as it is.  "Things are happening just as they are meant to happen."  Acceptance does not necessarily include approval, giving up, being defeated and it has plenty of room for action and choice.

Picture this: It is like sitting next to it, seeing it clearly and honestly saying, "Yes, this is what it is."  This doesn't mean you like it or approve of it.

4.  React, flip out, stay right there totally immersed in it...  You are it...  This reaction may include denial, avoidance, anesthetizing yourself, blaming, being a victim or just so raw with emotion.

This one sounds like a judgment when in actuality sometimes this is exactly what will and needs to happen...

Picture this:  It looks like the image at the top of this post where you have no distance- you are in it- and reaction is not a conscious choice.

This Drive Through Parenting Tool reminds you that you have choices and

                      can take the time to choose even when you are in another pile of poop!

Until next blog,

Anne