Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

Loving and letting go with your Head, Heart and Soul.

Loving and Letting Go?

Well, that is another term for detaching with love... 

The goal of parenting is to work our way out of this job... right?  If we don't do that then we will have permanent house guest...  not so good.

So, slowly and consciously we shift the weight and responsibility of decisions and consequences onto our child as they grow older.  We want them to develop and listen to their own voice because we will not be around forever...  In order to do this we must learn to respond and not react.  We have so much at stake parenting teens today.  Decisions and situations come at us fast and furiously so we have to be clear on what is being said and where it is coming from.  Only then can we consciously choose our next step and response in this letting go process.

Here is a tool that I have found helpful in finding that 'loving and letting go line' that we have to draw in the sand as our children age:

HEAD , HEART , SOUL...

#1.  HEAD:  Ask yourself:

What are the facts?  What is the rational explanation of what is transpiring?  Just the facts, please.

What are the facts as seen by the others involved?

We are asking our logical and rational mind, "Hey, what's up?"

Be clear and acknowledge what you hear.

#2.  HEART:  Ask yourself:

What am I feeling?  What emotions are yelling to be heard?  What is my heart input? 

What are the emotions of the others involved?

Be clear and acknowledge what you hear.

#3.  SOUL:  Ask yourself:

What does my soul tell me?

This is the place that listens to both your head and your heart.  It is where your  inner guiding principles, beliefs and values live within you...  This is a place of deep knowing that can listen to your head and your heart and only then formulate and respond with wisdom...

If we are not asking for and acknowledging input from our head AND our heart then we are usually reacting versus responding...  This usually adds fuel to the fire.

Give yourself and your teen the respect of a response and not a reaction...

The next BIG decision or heated moment you have with your teen... make sure you know who is doing the talking that is driving your discussion and decisions:

IS IT YOUR HEAD, HEART OR SOUL?

What is a Heart Rock?

I collect Heart Rocks.

A heart rock is a rock, found anywhere and everywhere, that is shaped like a heart.  These rocks have no human or machine intervention in their making.  They are kicked, rolled, scraped, buried, tossed, by the sea, wind,and other earthly forces and still come out shaped like a heart.

You should see the faces of the Home Land Security people when they x-ray my bags...                   "What is that?"  A rock...

My husband says, "We can't carry another rock!"                                                                        Now I have to put them in my own baggage...  I have gotten very particular.

I collect heart rockin' people stories too.  People who are tossed, just like the rest of us, by life.... and they still come out shaped like a heart...

Keep your eyes open for some Heart Rocks.  They are quite amazing once you start to notice them.  And they can be found in the most surprising places.

Advice: Be discerning...  Rocks are heavy...  Only pick up the true heart rocks and take them along with you.

Ciao,

Anne

Hey stupid, what's going right?

G is for GRATITUDE:

Let's keep this really short and sweet:

Formula for stepping into this moment with conscious emphasis on your strengths:

• Pause
• Breathe
• Ask yourself, "What is going right here?"
• Listen to answers
• Proceed with life

Dog Buries Bone

My dog, Willie, buries his bones...  Not exactly "Oh my gawd" news...unless you consider that he is burying them in my kitchen and every other corner in our home.

Willie takes the dog biscuit from our hand and happily trots off and searches for just the perfect spot... usually a corner or a pile of stuff.  And then he carefully places the bone down, stands back and looks at it, then looks around the room, carefully surveying and weighing out if this is THE spot. 

And then he proceeds to bury the bone.  He uses his head and nose to methodically push the  dirt on top of the bone.  Then he uses his paws to push the dirt from the sides.  For those confused... there literally is NO DIRT to actually push and bury stuff.  He is pushing imaginary, ancestral dirt!  {My mother in law may disagree with that assessment of the cleanliness of our home}

And then he looks around some more.  When he is all done to his satisfaction, he actually looks satisfied.  He will usually look at me and I say, " I can't see that bone, Willie."  {Does that make me an enabler?}  and then he turns, very satisfied and trots away.

We have lots of naked little dog biscuit bones sitting in corners of our house.  Every time I see one, I crack up...  Willie is using remnants of ancient survival skills that are no longer needed, aren't working and are useless.  I wonder if he ever considers eating those bones?

We all do this too.  That is why I crack up when I discover another bone in a pile of laundry or behind a chair.  Willie and I have some pretty similar funky habits that keep us stuck.  I still have a few bones that I bury.

I ask,

What corner are you frequently in burying those bones?

What survival skills worked really well for you years ago and now, not so good?

What bone are you burying that you would so love to eat?

Tip for getting out of that corner:  Acknowledge those bones... 

Thanks,

Anne

Dare To Suck

"...the top lesson that I want to take forward with me into 2006 is, 'Dare to Suck'." 

I took this away from Carol King's "Living Room" Tour this summer.  Carol and her band have a “Dare to Suck” segment of their show in which they attempt to write a song spontaneously. Sometimes they make great songs and sometimes it really sucks.  They stand in front of hundreds of people, fumble around and find their way- no room for perfection, looking good or guarantee of getting it right.  They play, enjoy the moment and are unattached to the outcome.  They inspired me to take chances, stretch myself beyond what I thought was possible and often scared myself by 'daring to suck' doing newer and bigger things.  There were times that I did suck at what I was doing.  And those are my biggest moments of growth.  I view these sometimes painful moments as opportunities for learning and not as failure.  And there were times that just soared and they were wonderful.  I accomplished a great deal that I am proud of and excited about in 2005.  'Dare To Suck' is going with me into 2006."

from the New Year's Letter sent to all of Anne Jolles' and Coaching Connections clients and friends in January 2006.  This letter was jointly sent out with her Coaching Connections business partner, Tracy Mindess. www.coaching-connections.com

And True to my word... believe me there have been some amazing "Dare To Suck" moments this year!  I am not sure if they make me younger or older... 

Want to share any of your "Dare To Suck" with us?

Permission Slip for the Parents

Whether your teen has gotten themselves into some deep doo-doo or whether they seem to be on a semi- regular teen path... whatever that is...

We all have to let go of them sometime!

Do you struggle with letting go and allowing your teen to struggle and learn from it and possibly make some mistakes?  Well, join the club.

Parenting teens today takes courage, persistence and hope.

I didn't mention love, but that is what got you here, so welcome.

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This is an invitation to use some of the Language of Letting Go...

You as the  courageous Parent of a Teen are here by given permission to:

1.  Accept "I am sorry" only when it is followed by a change in behavior or attitude.  Don't let it be an excuse with no intention with it...

2.   "I have changed my mind about..."  You are the queen or king of the castle.  You make the rules and you can change them. 

3.  Say "NO"...  when you know you need it...  It is hard to be the parent and not the best friend.

4.  Only accept, "I'll try..."  when the intention of what they are going to try and do better at is specifically clear and stated.

5.  "I respect your decision to..."  Respecting their right to make a decision at any age is different from supporting it .

6.  "Luxuries are privileges, not rights".  They must be earned.

                                             AND

"Increased freedom... Increased responsibility..."  Freedom must be earned.

7.   "When you have a bad day... you can do better tomorrow."  That goes for you and your teen also.

8.  "What is good about you is stronger that what you feel is not so good about you"   A perspective that emphasizes the strengths for both you and your teen.

9.  "Have you made a decision about...?"  This is different from advice.  We are trying to help our teens find their voice...

10.  "I need some time to think about that.  If you need an answer now, then the answer is no."

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Well, now I would love to hear some short and sweet phrases from you that capture the Language of Loving and Letting Go...

Thank you!

Anne

Welcome...My first post

Oh, I'm bloggin'

Yes, indeed.

I'm bloggin'

'Bout you and me

I'm bloggin'

And can't  think of a thing to say...

What made me think that Blogging sounded like so much fun?

After all... I love to write, share, talk and...

And now that I have a blog...  I can't think of a damn thing to say...

Do I have to be brilliant all the time?

I am going to ask you to share your brilliance with me...

WELCOME To The 'Drive Through Wisdom ...

When you come through, you get what is on the menu... You can grab it and go into your busy life.  This blog is not for those seeking more information, more advice, more experts...  This is a lighter place where information, perspectives, humor, tools, tips, strategies and wisdom are condensed into manageable pieces for you to grab, go and use in your full and demanding life.

Consider this a hitch up with hope...

And welcome.  Glad you are here!

Anne