Drive Through Parenting Wisdom

Best Parenting Book Award

  

Yeah!  Woo Hoo!  Hip Hip Hooray!

My book, "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go Of Your Teen" just won an award from RadicalParenting.com.  The awesome parent of teen and tween web site that shares Parenting From A New Perspective.  That is just what we need!  Radical Parenting is written by young adults and teens.  Their website ROCKS!

I love what they do!  We share many of the same values and goals...  Information for parents that is practical, simple and usable.

Look around.  We parents of teens need all the help we can get.  This teen team has the experience and insight.  Try them... it is refreshing!

And to the Teen Team at Radical Parenting...  thank you!

Anne

PS You can buy the book at, "Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go Of Your Teen"

"Stayin' Alive" Is Sometimes All You Can Do

Wow,  I just hung a disco ball in my kitchen. 

Do you ever get to a point where you have tried everything and I mean everything and nothing seems to budge the dilemma or shift the energy?

My teen has been struggling with a medical issue for 8 eight weeks.  We have done every medical test known to man kind and we now know that she will not die from this ailment.  We cannot locate the cause- the options were harrowing.  We have tried every medical intervention on the face of the earth and nothing has helped.  We now realize that our answers do not lie in a medical intervention...  It's hard to watch someone you love be in pain...

So, now is the time for more drastic measures and hence- the disco ball! 

My new song and mantra is "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees

I don't mean to start a pity party here but what I have learned is that if I allude to a situation without sharing the details then readers sit and wonder what the problem is without listening to the essence of the message.  This post is not about  my daughter's ailment...  It is about coping under extreme conditions when all traditional routes seem to fail you. 

So, where do we go from here?  I find myself asking the tired and true questions of:

"What is in my control?"

"What is out of my control?"

I believe that the secret to life is not having the right answers but in asking the right questions.  Questions bring us beyond what we already know and already feel.   Our attitude is a choice.

Besides raising our kids, we all seem to be fending off huge challenges these days...  We need our vitality to deal with all this and sometimes, in the face of overwhelming challenges, we parents let go of that first... 

I look at that disco ball in my kitchen and I chuckle.  I sometimes even do a  little Travolta hustle...  This too shall pass with my child.  We will keep on trudging forward trying every remedy and, amidst it all, I am going to keep on dancing. 

Sending my best,

Anne

PS  My new book,

"Rise and Shine Anytime"  Simple Questions To Wake Up Your Life

is full of great questions to bolster your vitality and simple steps to help you through some tough parenting challenges!

Are You Going To Finish Strong?

My goal as parent seems to shift frequently... 

Sometimes I can see my job so clearly and then priorities switch as events change, kids get older, I get older...  But the short video that you can see below, if you click on the link, talks about a universal goal and hope that every parent has for their child.  We want our kids to get up again after being knocked down because knocked down is sure to happen.  We must foster resilience because this is a tough world and we won't always be there to soften the fall.                         

This is one video that you can watch with your teen or young adult or email it to them... 

Are You Going To Finish Strong?   

I know I will be keeping this image fresh in my mind during my next challenge...

I wonder what is going through Willie's mind in this photo with his nemesis, Bosco?  Willie, my dog, is the 5 pounder on the left.  He knows about finishing strong because he has no idea he is small...  BIG DOG... SMALL BODY! I wish that for all our kids!

It is all about attitude- whether you have 4 legs or no legs...

Sending my best,

Anne

PS "Rise and Shine Anytime" is my newest book to foster resiliency and you can get it at:

"Rise and Shine Anytime" Simple Questions To Wake Up Your Life

"I Am Sorry, You Are Right."

We were on the last day of holiday break of almost 2 weeks off, and school was tomorrow.  My daughter and I had talked about her saving everything until the last day and she said,  "I need the pressure."  She has a very bad case of senior- itis... college next year.  It works for some people, though not for me.  I like to get things done ahead of time. That time crunch does just that to me- CRUNCH!  So, I went with her plan and was cool (fake cool- you know that parent kind of cool when you are really faking it), until that last day when she asked if her friend could come over and they would study together.

"No, you haven't gotten any work done all vacation.  You need to just work."  was my immediate reply.  It was almost like I was waiting for that.

She did the heavy footed huff and stormed out of the room.  You know what I mean by that...  the eye roll, thumping feet and probably mouthing some very undesirable things about me as she departed the room.  And then some breeze of wisdom blew in and I said, "Wait!  I am sorry.  You are right." 

She turned, floated back with light feet, eyes wide open and here is the key- her ears were wide open too!  I had the chance to say all those boring parent things that need to be said.  It went something like this, "You know you have to keep your grades up this year.  You have done a great job at it all year.  In 6 months, when you are at college, you will have to make all these decisions without me making them for you.  You will have all these temptations and distractions next year and you will have to decide.  So, what makes the most sense for you today?  What serves you the best?" 

She then opened up and initiated a discussion about the pros and cons AND reviewed all she had to do outloud.  She designed her day.  She took the responsibility.  This was a win-win for both of us. 

Bits of wisdom here and there help, I hope.  We can find our way together.  That worked for this situation.  Take each as it comes and look at the principles behind your rules and thought process.  As your child gets older, rules need to make sense for each situation.

Sending my best,

Anne

PS  Would like like 10 Sanity Rules for Loving and Letting Go Of Your Teen?  They are free and you can get them emailed to you now by clicking here

Get A Life That Doesn't Suck!

I just listened to an interview by author Michelle De Angelis about her new book, "Get A Life That Doesn't Suck".  Remember, THAT IS WHAT THIS BLOG IS ALL ABOUT! 

She shared a quick life tool that I just have to share with all you parents of teens and young adults. When things get tense in your home and you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem then try this simple 4 steps process:

BACK: {An Acronym for...}

BREATHE: Take multiple deep breaths.  Have you ever noticed how people are always telling us parents to breathe?  Well, there is a good reason for that.  It buys time and it gets oxygen to our heads and hearts before wedo something impulsive that we may regret.

ACKNOWLEDGE:  Look at what is happening as an observer and simply acknowledge it.  "It is what it is."

CHOOSE:  Make a choice of how you are going to respond instead of blowing your steam off and reacting.

KICK INTO GEAR:  Make the conscious choice and do it...

I love these simple to remember tips for the heat of the moment.  We need every one!  In order to keep your sanity...  you have to parent in conscious choice.  

Sending my best,

Anne 

Parenting With Purpose and Purple Duct Tape

I just had a Purple Duct Tape Moment…
Do you know what that means?

 

A Purple Duct Tape (PDT) Moment is a time when you know that you need to stop saying or doing something AND you can’t.  With all your best experience and wisdom you forge ahead anyway.  Your intuition is screaming, “Be quiet!” or “Sit down!” or “Don’t pick that up!” or “Stop talking!”  That is when you need a roll of Purple Duct Tape handy.

Directions For Use:  Just reach over, cut off 4” of Purple Duct Tape and tape it across your mouth... 

 

This choice is a simple, inexpensive solution for a multitude of life and parenting challenges.  Stop and picture the possibilities here!

My recent PDT Moment was with one of my children who needed to speak and not be interrupted and JUST VENT!  He needed the space to be seen and heard without criticism or problem solving.  Being quiet for another CAN BE the solution for them.

 

Questions you can ask yourself before applying PDT:

•  What do I need to stop saying or doing?
•  Whose life can I stop trying to control?
• Whose problems am I trying to solve when they are capable of solving them?

I am hard wired to “fix” things for others.  This is not a good trait for a life coach or a parent of teens because coaching and parenting is founded on the principle that others are creative, resourceful and whole.  I firmly believe that so I must fight my natural tendency to jump in to “save” or “solve” or “do” things … hence the Purple Duct Tape solution!  It works every time.  It is hard to tear that tape off your mouth in time to get in the last word, solve it or volunteer unnecessarily.

Think about it.  When was the last time you were really seen and heard?  I mean really listened to?  Acknowledgment is a gift you can give to yourself and others.  As a result you are communicating to those people that they are capable of figuring it out for themselves… unless of course you are invited in with a request for feedback, assistance or advice.  That is a different story.

 

I recently asked a very frustrated coaching client:  
“Have you shared how you feel with that person?”
Her Reply:  “Oh, yes.”
My response:  “How many times?”
Her Reply:  “At least twenty times…”
My response:  Silence as I reach over and cut 4” of Purple Duct Tape and place it across my mouth.

Sometimes the best gift of all is to let others hear themselves.

 

2009 is coming and doing more is not an option for most of us- especially we parents of teens!  Your life purpose and passion are more within your reach when you let go of those things that you need not be involved in.  Space opens for possibilities in your life and others!

The next time that impulse arises when you know that the best path is to just stop… then reach for your scissors and ask,
“Where is that purple roll of possibilities?”

 

Let your 2009 mantra be…
“Stop, Cut and Roll!”

 

Sending my best,

Anne

Click here if you like a free copy of  my "10 Sanity Rules" For Parents of Teens and Young Adults?

Is NAGGING Dragging You Down?

Hey!  Wait a minute!  Who, Me Nag?  But I am a life coach who writes a blog and...  I wish I had a dollar for every time I slip and NAG!  Nagging is ugly.  It sucks everything out of everyone involved, and by the way, is totally ineffective.  I think it can be a parent addiction.  In effect, the NAGGER is telling the NAGGEE that they are incapable of dealing with their own stuff. 

There is a better way and an antidote!  I am going to give you a link to an article that you must read... but only if you mark my blog as one of your favorites and come back and visit with me again...   Better yet, email this to other parents of teens and young adults and let them know about all the good practical stuff you learn here.  

 "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage" by Amy Sutherland.  It was printed in the NY Times in 2006.

She states, "Like most humans, I'd been brought up to focus on what bothered me in other people and heap attention on that."  Really, I can't imagine that, can you?  She goes on to state in her interview regarding her new book, in Bostonia Fall 2008, "I had to look at my own behavior and consider how I might be fueling in ssomeone else's behavior I didn't want or didn't like."  Now that hurts...

The older my children get, the more I realize that as they grow up, I am growing up too.  Remember, we are all works in process.  Sometimes it makes sense to think more like a dog trainer than a parent.  Willie, my dog and people trainer, would agree with that one, 

Hang in there,

Anne

The life coach in me can't resist...   Fill in the blanks...

____________________________ really bothers me.  Instead of nagging about it,  I will focus on __________________________________.

Write and let us know how it works for you!

My Wish For You...

Serenity...

Do you know the definition of Serenity?

Serenity is when your head, heart and soul are all on the same page.

How often does that happen in your day?

We parents are all doing too much.  That is a fact.  If you are to make it through this parenting gig and have anything left of you at the end then you have to grab quiet time to check in with you!

I know, I can hear the excuses and objections now...

"I don't have time..." 

"I have to take care of everybody else so..."

"I can't afford to.  I have to work and then do the home thing and..."

And all that really means is, "I don't really value me."  You can't afford not to do this!

This is all I am asking of you.  Take some quiet time and ask yourself these questions:

What does my head think?  And listen for the answer.

What does my heart feel?  And listen for the answer.

What does my soul know to be true?  And listen for the answer.

It is ideal to really take time out for you but when you can't then ask yourself those questions when you are in the shower, or carpooling or walking up and down stairs at work or standing in line at the grocery store.  We are always checking in with everyone else- cell phone, IM, emails, instant message, fax, page... HELP! 

My husband was critically ill this summer.  And, thankfully, he is doing great now and is back to work with a great prognosis.  We could not ask for a better result from a really scary thing.  And this is what I took away from this summer from hell...

TODAY IS PRECIOUS.

Center yourself in that one. None of us know how many more of these days we will get.  I hope you catch an urgency from me to make serenity your business once a day with a check in with you. 

Awareness breeds choice.  Bring it on.

Sending my best,

Anne

 

Every Parents Worst Nightmare...

It is hard to talk about resiliency, optimism and hope after attending a funeral of a 19 year old who died way too early and...  What are the emotions that swirl around that?  Heart break,  grief for all those left here without him, frustrationfor the loss of a wonderful young soul who had already impacted so many in so many wonderful ways and a void... like there really is nothing to say that equals this tragedy.  Words fall short.  The true emotions are almost too huge to talk about.  For those of us who did not know him personally, it just makes us terrified that, "There but for the grace of God goes I."  Like, why that fabulous kid?  Why that wonderful family?  Why that moment on planet earth did that have to happen?

I did not grow up in a vacuum.  There was plenty of drinking and drugs in my high school and city.  I went to a number of funerals.  But it just seems like we have an epidemic going on.  My town cemetery seems to have way too many young people buried there before their time should have been up.

I wish I were writing with an answer.  I wish I were writing because I had a cause and a cure that we could all rally around.  But what I really wish is that I could bring this young man back and give the world another chance with him.  We need him.  I hear of the college presidents who want to lower the drinking age on one hand and on the other the call from psychologists for zero tolerance of any drugs and alcohol because of the tender, vulnerable brain of the adolescent...  And the epidemic of premature deaths continues... 

That leaves each parent and each home grappling in their own inept way- mostly making rules from the way they were raised, or the exact opposite of the way they were raised or by just plain old fear.  None of the above are great strategies.  It makes me feel we are playing the numbers game... maybe it is all up to chance?

Enough said.  Too many words and not enough that speaks to the unspeakable.

Sending out hope that those who lost such a wonderful child, brother, nephew and friend... can join us all again in life and live on carrying that beautiful, young hopeful face in their hearts.

Anne

The Benefits Of Failure...

Well, parents of teens, what do you think of that one? Are there really benefits to failure? Can you really go there and let your teen fail and find out? Can you go there in your own life and take risks and find out?  There is one thing that I have learned- the hard way- from parenting and that is...

There is nothing more excruciating than watching your child struggle and suffer, not knowing the outcome for them. 

I don't know about you but I am hard wired to try to make everything all right with my kids.  It takes a courageous parent to stand and watch a struggle and let the consequences fall.  J.K.Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, spoke at the commencement at Harvard last summer.  The Benefits of Failure was the title of her speech.  I would highly recommend you take the 10 minutes to listen to her. 

She talks about her life after college and before her phenomenal success as a time where she had "failed on an epic scale".  "Rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I re-built my life."

Do not get me wrong.  I do intervene, at times, when the consequences are high with my children and there is a lesson to be learned in other ways.  But I do wonder if we parents are failing at teaching our kids to how to fail. 

Rowling says, "It is impossible to live without failure at something unless you live so cautiously that you might  not have lived at all.  In which case you fail by default."

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from set backs means that you are ever after secure in your ability to survive."  That is sweet.  That is what this parenting gig is all about.

I would love to leave you wondering about this.  Another question would be,

What are the fringe benefits to you, the parent, of not allowing your child to fail?

Sending my best to you,

Anne

Ps You can go to my web site, www.annejolles.com and read my article entitled, "Dare To Suck"  5 Power Rules For Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

"I promise to behave and not embarass you on the college visit..."

We went visiting colleges yesterday.  It was fun.  It is the only time lately that I am alone with my teen for any extended period when we are both awake.  Four hours locked in a car-  quality face time... sort of.

You have to have thick skin as a parent of a teen today.  You have to get used to the fact that if they can't stand you, then you are doing something right.  You have to get used to the fact that they have another whole life and conversation going on as you talk to them...  their thumbs are flying as they text message.  My daughter actually cracks up frequently from the messages she receives during our conversations.  She is having a parallel conversation with a friend.  I think a lot of what she is laughing about is, what a total geek I am.  Of course it did not help when she went to grab her suitcase at the hotel after our 4 hour ride and she exclaimed, "Mom, there is still a bag of groceries here and there is orange juice and melted ice cream in it!"  Ooops!  A small mistake- no one was hurt!  That incident got texted to at least 5 of her friends within moments of the ridiciulously embarassing discovery! 

And I don't get any credit for driving 5 hours, finding the college and hotel with no problems.  That somehow is deleted from the text  "My mother is a geek" conversation. 

 Before we entered the college admissions hall I had to take an oath that I would not be THE parent asking the drug and alcohol policy or if the bath rooms were co-ed.  "No problem."  I knew that the room was full of paranoid parents and they would get to it without my help.  And I was right.

It is actually quite humorous to sit back and just watch the whole college admissions process.  Here we parents sit, putting our retirements down as a payment and hearing, "Every year it gets harder to get in here and this year is going to be the most competitive with the most amount of applicants."  And then I wonder,  "Why do these colleges look like resorts?"  Everyone says they have to to stay competitive.  I think, "Well, drop some of the amenities and drop the price and watch us get really competitive!"

Empty nest syndrome...  I am practicing the antidote tonight with my husband as we dream about traveling someday again- like freshman year in college.  Don't get me wrong, I will miss my daughter.  I adore her even with all this loving and letting go stuff going on.  But somehow I think I am going to make it through the empty nest syndrome to the got a life again syndrome.  I just won't be able to afford to leave my house!

Sending my best to you,

And remember that laughing is a good thing- better than crying!

Anne

Ps I am having a special offer for parents of teens - 

My book,

"Keeping Your Sanity While Loving and Letting Go of Your Teen" and the accompanying CD of the same name

is offered to you at a special back to school price of $19.99 for both.  You can check these out at my website www.annejolles.com or at this page dedicated to the book: http://www.annejolles.com/books/sanity.php?PHPSESSID=53222b1d739e4fb6f12e0103f6e067e9

Normally the price for the book and the CD is $27.00.  I guarantee you will laugh and maybe not cry but it will definitely get you thinking!  Email me at abjcoach@comcast.net and we will set you up and get it in the mail to you!